So these past two weeks have been incredibly tough for many reasons...but the biggest two have been exhaustion and the f act that a cold morphed into a beast. I have been going off of adrenaline and this huge sense to get the house ready for market...feeling like I just can't quite get everything done that needs to get done...most especially spending any quality time with the kiddos. A nice blessing, though...every bit in the sense of Christmas 365...these two neighbors of mine, Heather and Lori, have been like angels on a mercy mission. Without ever having asked them for help, they have shown up pretty much every day this past week to paint and clean alongside me...and there is no way that this house could have been as ready as it is without their help. Thank you, Lord...and thank you Lori and Heather!
But tonight...so many things have come together...and now we are in the brink of our first journey to Alaska.
We have met with two realtors and will be making a decision soon as to who we will hire. The house is looking good and very near being ready to list. The children are spending this next week with their grandparents. We are packed and ready... In the morning, Heather will drop us off at the airport where we will fly to Dallas...and then on to Anchorage for our house-hunting trip. We will arrive on the summer solstice...the day the sun will rise at 4:20 a.m. and set at 11:42 p.m.
I have heard so many stories...from the scary to the fantastical...and everything in between...and tomorrow we will personally set foot in this new, incredible place often described as the last, true frontier in America...the place that will be home for a few years. Am I excited? I don't know what I am. I am going with an open mind...and I will share with you all as this adventure unfolds.
Look for pictures!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Adrenaline, Angels and Favor
I know that many people have gone before me in terms of having to moving quickly and drastically from place to place. I have heard stories, many of them, and from most - they are still alive to tell the tale...so I know I will survive, too. Can I just say that this is hard?
Everything seems to be happening so fast and yet things are getting done...but it is exhausting and my body isn't cooperating. For example, as I write this, it is 5:49 a.m. and I have been awake since 5:11 a.m. after having gone to bed a bit past midnight...and I have this crazy amount of adrenaline coursing through my body. Yesterday, I awoke at 6:17 a.m...after having gone to bed late...and I just can't seem to stop that darn adrenaline. This has been the pattern since about last Sunday. Long, work-intensive days followed by very little sleep.
It is no doubt a case of fight or flight...and in my case - the answer is "yes" to both.
So, so many loose ends to tie up. So, so many details I cannot overlook. So I live by lists. And in the midst of it all, God sends His angels to watch over me and my family. Thank you, Lord.
It started the first day Pat was in Washington, D.C. when my neighbor, Heather, let herself into my home while I was at work to help me finish painting my kitchen cabinets. She repeated this pattern last week. She would go for a walk in the morning and then let herself into my home to help me clean and prep the surfaces that need paint. I have confirmation from her that she will be my helping this coming week as well. I never asked her for this help - she just stepped in because she knows I need help - and can I say how much I appreciate her?
Then there is my other neighbor, Jeannette, who despite the fact she has four children of her own, stepped in and offered to pick up Liam from preschool last week when I had three kids in three camps while working full-time and trying to get my daughter to a swim meet by 5 p.m. Jeannette is notorious for being there when someone needs help...and she, too, just quietly swoops in and just helps in any way she can. She is a calming force of goodness...and I'm grateful to her.
Lauren came and spent some time with me while Pat was gone and I was an angry, overwhelmed thing. I really felt out of control...and so she came and was just company...and I so needed to know that I wasn't alone and that things truly would be okay...and she did that for me.
Then I will throw a shout-out to Greg and Emily, longtime friends, who know that Pat and I don't have a lot of time to spend with the children because we are working so intensely to get the house sale-ready...so they come pick up the children so the children can have fun...and then they offer us dinner yesterday and it is such a HUGE blessing not to have to worry about dinner for my family. The food was fantastic, the conversation better...and they offered us lunch today...and dinner this next coming week if we will just call to let them know we'd like to come over...and please...don't worry about anything they say. Wow.
Our other friend Christie is coming over today to escort the children to our neighborhood pool...and so many others have offered help. To me - they are all angels and I need every one of them.
So despite the crazy, frenetic, slightly overwhelming state of being - I know God is near. During this time, I have also experienced extreme instances of favor that make me smile and say, Thank you, Lord. My favorite one invloved my wanting to get a haircut at the Aveda Institute. I called to make an appointment on Thursday knowing that it was such short notice that I probably wouldn't get in to a senior stylist for a while. After discussing options with the receptionist, I was disconnected and as I was going into a meeting, I couldn't call back until later in the afternoon. So I called and yes - I couldn't get in with a senior...or a junior for a while but they had plenty of sophomore stylists. So I think - well, it's Aveda and they are all highly trained so sure, let's go with a sophomore. As the young lady is scheduling me, she informs me that she has scheduled me with a senior as a cancellation just came in. YAY! I now have a haircut that I love. Thank you, Lord!
I know that last is rather a petty example...but to me - it lets me know that what is important to me is important to the Lord...and so I feel that here and there, He let's me know He's watching out for me and my family.
I'm going to sign off now as I need to add to my to-do list as I have remembered some other things I don't want to forget...plus I really, really need some coffee.
I've been asked if I am excited by the upcoming move...and the truth is, I haven't really had a chance to catch my breath much less process the magnitude of the change that is coming. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and working through my to-do lists...but I can say that through this all...I am excited to be loved and taken care of by my friends...I appreciate them...I love them...and I'm grateful for being alive at such a time as this so I can use Facebook to remain close to them!! :)
Everything seems to be happening so fast and yet things are getting done...but it is exhausting and my body isn't cooperating. For example, as I write this, it is 5:49 a.m. and I have been awake since 5:11 a.m. after having gone to bed a bit past midnight...and I have this crazy amount of adrenaline coursing through my body. Yesterday, I awoke at 6:17 a.m...after having gone to bed late...and I just can't seem to stop that darn adrenaline. This has been the pattern since about last Sunday. Long, work-intensive days followed by very little sleep.
It is no doubt a case of fight or flight...and in my case - the answer is "yes" to both.
So, so many loose ends to tie up. So, so many details I cannot overlook. So I live by lists. And in the midst of it all, God sends His angels to watch over me and my family. Thank you, Lord.
It started the first day Pat was in Washington, D.C. when my neighbor, Heather, let herself into my home while I was at work to help me finish painting my kitchen cabinets. She repeated this pattern last week. She would go for a walk in the morning and then let herself into my home to help me clean and prep the surfaces that need paint. I have confirmation from her that she will be my helping this coming week as well. I never asked her for this help - she just stepped in because she knows I need help - and can I say how much I appreciate her?
Then there is my other neighbor, Jeannette, who despite the fact she has four children of her own, stepped in and offered to pick up Liam from preschool last week when I had three kids in three camps while working full-time and trying to get my daughter to a swim meet by 5 p.m. Jeannette is notorious for being there when someone needs help...and she, too, just quietly swoops in and just helps in any way she can. She is a calming force of goodness...and I'm grateful to her.
Lauren came and spent some time with me while Pat was gone and I was an angry, overwhelmed thing. I really felt out of control...and so she came and was just company...and I so needed to know that I wasn't alone and that things truly would be okay...and she did that for me.
Then I will throw a shout-out to Greg and Emily, longtime friends, who know that Pat and I don't have a lot of time to spend with the children because we are working so intensely to get the house sale-ready...so they come pick up the children so the children can have fun...and then they offer us dinner yesterday and it is such a HUGE blessing not to have to worry about dinner for my family. The food was fantastic, the conversation better...and they offered us lunch today...and dinner this next coming week if we will just call to let them know we'd like to come over...and please...don't worry about anything they say. Wow.
Our other friend Christie is coming over today to escort the children to our neighborhood pool...and so many others have offered help. To me - they are all angels and I need every one of them.
So despite the crazy, frenetic, slightly overwhelming state of being - I know God is near. During this time, I have also experienced extreme instances of favor that make me smile and say, Thank you, Lord. My favorite one invloved my wanting to get a haircut at the Aveda Institute. I called to make an appointment on Thursday knowing that it was such short notice that I probably wouldn't get in to a senior stylist for a while. After discussing options with the receptionist, I was disconnected and as I was going into a meeting, I couldn't call back until later in the afternoon. So I called and yes - I couldn't get in with a senior...or a junior for a while but they had plenty of sophomore stylists. So I think - well, it's Aveda and they are all highly trained so sure, let's go with a sophomore. As the young lady is scheduling me, she informs me that she has scheduled me with a senior as a cancellation just came in. YAY! I now have a haircut that I love. Thank you, Lord!
I know that last is rather a petty example...but to me - it lets me know that what is important to me is important to the Lord...and so I feel that here and there, He let's me know He's watching out for me and my family.
I'm going to sign off now as I need to add to my to-do list as I have remembered some other things I don't want to forget...plus I really, really need some coffee.
I've been asked if I am excited by the upcoming move...and the truth is, I haven't really had a chance to catch my breath much less process the magnitude of the change that is coming. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and working through my to-do lists...but I can say that through this all...I am excited to be loved and taken care of by my friends...I appreciate them...I love them...and I'm grateful for being alive at such a time as this so I can use Facebook to remain close to them!! :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
A Day of Reflection
I have decided not to tack numbers to this adventure as it will just be one more thing to keep track of...and right now - there are many, many things to keep track of. Pat leaves tomorrow morning for a week's worth of training in Washington DC and I will remain behind with the three children. I know we will be okay.
Today, Pat power washed the outside of our home (it looks like it got a new paint job - who knew?!) and I worked on getting the kitchen clean.
As I purge our home of superfluous stuff - dishes, candles, dust and grime...I feel my soul getting lighter...and freer... And then the thoughtfulness begins.
Dylan and I run out to Lowe's for some supplies I'll need while Pat is away. We get two gallons of paint, some brushes and caulk. We laugh. We talk about reinventing ourselves. We talk about how surreal it all is. We pick up a Chinese feast for dinner and meet Pat and Liam at the pool as it is definitely quitting time. Lilly is at a sleepover party so it's just me and my boys.
After we eat, I watch the three play in the water. I don't get in because I don't have my suit on. So I lay on the bench and watch them. I try to say goodbye to the soft twilight breeze. I try to say goodbye to the neighborhood pool. As I feel the gentle warmth of the breeze blow through my hair, I close my eyes and try to hold on to that feeling...the physical touch of warm breeze. And I think about how fitting Natasha Bedingfield's song, "Unwritten" is. Here are some of the beginning lyrics for those of you that don't know it:
Today, Pat power washed the outside of our home (it looks like it got a new paint job - who knew?!) and I worked on getting the kitchen clean.
As I purge our home of superfluous stuff - dishes, candles, dust and grime...I feel my soul getting lighter...and freer... And then the thoughtfulness begins.
Dylan and I run out to Lowe's for some supplies I'll need while Pat is away. We get two gallons of paint, some brushes and caulk. We laugh. We talk about reinventing ourselves. We talk about how surreal it all is. We pick up a Chinese feast for dinner and meet Pat and Liam at the pool as it is definitely quitting time. Lilly is at a sleepover party so it's just me and my boys.
After we eat, I watch the three play in the water. I don't get in because I don't have my suit on. So I lay on the bench and watch them. I try to say goodbye to the soft twilight breeze. I try to say goodbye to the neighborhood pool. As I feel the gentle warmth of the breeze blow through my hair, I close my eyes and try to hold on to that feeling...the physical touch of warm breeze. And I think about how fitting Natasha Bedingfield's song, "Unwritten" is. Here are some of the beginning lyrics for those of you that don't know it:
I am unwritten
Can't read my mind,
I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning,
pen in my hand,
ending unplanned.
How appropriate is that?! That is how I have to think about this whole big thing. It is - ending unplanned... The only thing I can plan for is the time that I have remaining in my home state...because once I board that plane with my family in six weeks...I have no point of reference for what awaits. None.
So after a while, I go home and get my suit on and swim with the boys. Why not, I ask myself? It's not like we will be able to enjoy a neighborhood pool in a few weeks. After a while, we decide to go for a treat to get mini blizzards at Dairy Queen. We drive with the windows rolled all the way down and the sunroof open. We listen to good tunes as the boys laugh in the back seat. I close my eyes and think, "Goodbye Dairy Queen."
Don't get me wrong, I'm not really melancholy although I have a feeling that you might get that impression. I'm really not. I'm just trying to explain what's in my heart. The process of thoroughly and 150% enjoying those things that will not be in a few weeks...just like the sweet and wonderful watermelon our neighbor brought by. Yes - I am determined to gorge myself on sweet Texas watermelon as that will go by the way of snow cones in Alaska...rare.
I will end now to help Pat pack...and to spend some time with him.
Until next time...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Christmas 365 Changes to a New Adventure (Alaska - Day 1)
It has been a very long time since I have written. Christmas 365 turned out to be an incredibly difficult undertaking to say the least as living with intention when working full-time and parenting full-time and running a house full-time is also part of your life. I have still tried to live with intention...but I have a confession to make.
Early this year, I was diagnosed with what the doctors believed to be benign tumors...which really freaked me out because I had some removed in the Fall. And the doctors thought they were benign but there is never a guarantee until you have the growths removed. I went into an introspective mode and had many conversations with God. About life...about healing...about feeling unworthy of good things. So I didn't blog...because I went into a "me" mode and it's hard to think about others when you're thinking about yourself, you know?
Then one day I heard in my brain that I was healed of those growths and although I disbelieved what I heard...it came to pass anyway. And so began this weird need/desire to trust in the Lord and to really understand what that means...not just in theory...but in real-life application. If I believed in God...how could I not believe in everything that He stands for in His word?
Not too much later - Pat opened up a discussion about applying for a promotion position called a Hearing Office Director (HOD)...with the caveat that we would probably have to move to "anywhere USA" if he got this job... So I agreed that he should look and apply...and so he did.
One day he lets me know that a HOD position is available in Anchorage, Alaska and what do I think about this. At first blush - I get very excited. I think it would be a great adventure and opportunity for our family. I think it would be great to get the heck out of dodge and go see some new sights. I think it is the perfect time considering the children's ages. I think he should absolutely try...and so he does. And throughout the whole process - we both feel really good within our spirits that this is right and proper...that we will indeed move and that this is what the Lord wants for us. We talk to the children and they are equally excited...and everything is peachy. So Pat applies and a week later he gets notice that he has made "the best qualified list" which means he qualifies for the job and is in the running for it. We smile... Then about two weeks later, he gets a call for an interview...and we smile. He knocks the interview out of the ballpark and I think, "how can he not get the job? He's the best! He is the most qualified! They just couldn't pass him up!"
And then the waiting began in earnest to see if it would come to pass. Meanwhile our oldest child is convinced that we are going...and Pat and I still feel really good about it...but none of it was really real...until today.
Today we got word that they have offered him the position...and he accepted...and so within about six short weeks, we will be gone... Gone to a new environment, a new home...new food...new people...and a new way of life. And now I'm not so sure about things but it is too late. And so to make this all bearable and to not feel so lonely for everything that I know...I want to bring you guys into this journey.
Will you come to Alaska with me?
I'm tired and overwhelmed right now. We need to get our home ready to sell. That is A LOT of work! I need to give notice at my job and reconcile the million details on my plate there...and that is A LOT of work. Pat is leaving this Sunday for two weeks of training and I will be alone with the three kids as I'm trying to sort through things...and that is A LOT of work. I feel the need to research Anchorage neighborhoods and schools and possible places to live - oh, yeah - and work (!)...and that is A LOT of work. Then I feel my tired body and I just want to sleep.
I know things will work out better than I expect - because I know that I know that God is all over this. But for now I'm just tired. Tomorrow is another day...and I just want to know that I will continue to have this link with my friends and family even if I happen to be writing 4500 miles away from everyone.
I think this will truly be the adventure of a lifetime! Annie
Early this year, I was diagnosed with what the doctors believed to be benign tumors...which really freaked me out because I had some removed in the Fall. And the doctors thought they were benign but there is never a guarantee until you have the growths removed. I went into an introspective mode and had many conversations with God. About life...about healing...about feeling unworthy of good things. So I didn't blog...because I went into a "me" mode and it's hard to think about others when you're thinking about yourself, you know?
Then one day I heard in my brain that I was healed of those growths and although I disbelieved what I heard...it came to pass anyway. And so began this weird need/desire to trust in the Lord and to really understand what that means...not just in theory...but in real-life application. If I believed in God...how could I not believe in everything that He stands for in His word?
Not too much later - Pat opened up a discussion about applying for a promotion position called a Hearing Office Director (HOD)...with the caveat that we would probably have to move to "anywhere USA" if he got this job... So I agreed that he should look and apply...and so he did.
One day he lets me know that a HOD position is available in Anchorage, Alaska and what do I think about this. At first blush - I get very excited. I think it would be a great adventure and opportunity for our family. I think it would be great to get the heck out of dodge and go see some new sights. I think it is the perfect time considering the children's ages. I think he should absolutely try...and so he does. And throughout the whole process - we both feel really good within our spirits that this is right and proper...that we will indeed move and that this is what the Lord wants for us. We talk to the children and they are equally excited...and everything is peachy. So Pat applies and a week later he gets notice that he has made "the best qualified list" which means he qualifies for the job and is in the running for it. We smile... Then about two weeks later, he gets a call for an interview...and we smile. He knocks the interview out of the ballpark and I think, "how can he not get the job? He's the best! He is the most qualified! They just couldn't pass him up!"
And then the waiting began in earnest to see if it would come to pass. Meanwhile our oldest child is convinced that we are going...and Pat and I still feel really good about it...but none of it was really real...until today.
Today we got word that they have offered him the position...and he accepted...and so within about six short weeks, we will be gone... Gone to a new environment, a new home...new food...new people...and a new way of life. And now I'm not so sure about things but it is too late. And so to make this all bearable and to not feel so lonely for everything that I know...I want to bring you guys into this journey.
Will you come to Alaska with me?
I'm tired and overwhelmed right now. We need to get our home ready to sell. That is A LOT of work! I need to give notice at my job and reconcile the million details on my plate there...and that is A LOT of work. Pat is leaving this Sunday for two weeks of training and I will be alone with the three kids as I'm trying to sort through things...and that is A LOT of work. I feel the need to research Anchorage neighborhoods and schools and possible places to live - oh, yeah - and work (!)...and that is A LOT of work. Then I feel my tired body and I just want to sleep.
I know things will work out better than I expect - because I know that I know that God is all over this. But for now I'm just tired. Tomorrow is another day...and I just want to know that I will continue to have this link with my friends and family even if I happen to be writing 4500 miles away from everyone.
I think this will truly be the adventure of a lifetime! Annie
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Christmas 365 - Day 56 (Feb 25) to Day 60 (Mar 2)
I got back on track...and then I fell off again as I got some rather shocking news on Friday. Last August, I had a simple cyst removed from an ovary that ended up being a benign tumor. After getting the pathology report on my follow-up, I was very, very glad that the ordeal was over and I was healthy. This remained the case until late in December when I began experiencing pain again in the same general area… After several weeks, I went back to the doctor…and discovered that the “cyst” had returned. The doctor and I decided that we would take a wait-and-see approach and have a follow up sonogram in six weeks. That day was last Friday…and the sonogram showed that not only had the growth not gone away, but it had grown rather quickly in a short amount of time. It has an irregular shape with two “bubbles” inside of it. The doctor doesn’t feel it has the look of a malignancy but she is of the opinion that we should take out the entire ovary as this is a repeating problem. Was just SO not expecting this. I cried. I called my husband. I went home in a bit of a daze.
Let me explain a bit…
Now I could get into an existential discussion right about now…but that is really not the point I would like to make with this post. Instead, I want to discuss a statement from an incredible movie called “To Save A Life.” It isn’t a well-known movie and yet the story is wonderful and towards the very end, one of the characters says, “Life is a journey…but it’s more than the destination…it’s about transformation.” And when I heard that, it really made me think.
Our whole purpose in life, whether we get it or not, is to transform from selfish, self-centered creatures to people that are holy and giving…no matter what the circumstances being faced. This can have many different facets…
God is so good!! I stopped writing the above last night because I couldn't really verbalize what was in my mind...and Pat was watching some special ops show that was very distracting. As I was going to bed, I felt the opportunity to feel great anxiety over the unknown mass growing in my tummy...but I told myself, no - I'm not going to think scary thoughts and instead, I want to focus on talking to God on how this all works...how illness and healing occur...and I didn't get very far because I felt a soothing calmness overtake me and I feel asleep...no nightmares, no scary thoughts...nothing but refreshing sleep.
This morning I woke up and prayed...and went about my business. As I was waiting for the shower water to warm up, I picked up the book, "Attitudes of Gratitude," and opened it to a random page...that explained exactly what was in my heart that I couldn't verbalize. SO - here is what M. J. Ryan wrote:
LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN BLESSINGS OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
Quote by Wayne Muller: Some people once brought a blind man to Jesus and asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned - this man or his parents - that he was born blind?" They all wanted to know why this terrible curse had fallen on this man. And Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the words of God might be manifest in him." He told them not to look for why suffering came but to listen for what the suffering could teach them.
Gratitude is an all-out experience. It's cheating to be grateful only for the good things that happen and to shun the bad. This isn't to saw that we want bad things to happen to us, just that if we can be grateful for the soul-lessons inherent in the difficulties that befall us, then our souls will be able to grow and mature. Otherwise, we never progress, because we fail to use the hardships that dog us to become more loving, more patient, more present, more kind.
The people whom I admire most in the world say without reservation that the hardest things they had to face - cancer, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, or job loss - had been their greatest teachers and that they were grateful for the lessons. For me it has been dealing with chronic pain.
When I was a senior in college I hurt my back. It was the first time my body betrayed me. Until then, I always considered it just a handy container to take my mind where I wanted it to go. But suddenly I couldn't move, and I had to pay attention to it. Eventually I spent over a year in bed.
It's been twenty years since then, and my back continues to be one of my greatest teachers. I've learned a lot of patience (a hard lesson for me!) and impermanence (just because it hurts like hell today doesn't mean it will tomorrow). I've learned the value of physical discipline ("No time to do those boring back exercises?" my body says. "I'll show you!"). I've learned that I can't push myself beyond limits that I still don't recognize until after I've exceeded them. That even doing everything "right" is no guarantee I'll be free from pain. I've learned to let go of my wanting it to be better, and I've learned how much I still exist even if I am able to do absolutely nothing. Now, in theory, I could have learned those things some other way, and perhaps I might have. But the truth of my life is that I have learned them through chronic pain - and I'm grateful for the lessons, if not for the pain.
Right now, write down the ten hardest or most terrible things that ever happened to you. As you look over the list, can you see the gifts that each of them brought?
Metaphysical teacher Daniel T. Peralta suggests that when you are suffering from some difficulty whose blessing is invisible to you, you say the following prayer: "I am willing to see the gift in this experience. May the lessons be revealed to me and may I become stronger and clearer."
Life is a journey...but not about the destination...but rather the transformation. For the remainder of last Friday, Saturday and Sunday - I felt odd...slightly depressed, slightly anxious...and not focused on the things that matter. The thing in my tummy is going to grow or shrink regardless of what I'm thinking...or doing...so why not embrace the good around me. If there is one thing that is certain in life it's that you never get any time back. As my children ran around and laughed and played, as my husband thoughtfully tried to give me space and serve me as best he could...as the breeze blew outside and the sun came out to play...my focus was entirely elsewhere. Why? Because I have some bubble on my ovary? Life is precious...and I believe that in focusing on the things that matter most - children, spouse, friends...relationships - then no matter what, there will be no regrets because you will know that you know you have truly lived life to the fullest.
The lesson for me seems to be that the more I want to cling to life...the more I am reminded that it is but a short journey in the grand scheme of things...and at some appointed time, my spirit will exist in another realm. In my heart - I want to learn and transform as much as possible in reflecting less of me and more of Jesus...because there is no one that has ever existed that was/is more beautiful, loving, merciful and compassionate than Him. I think this bump on my ovary is a lovely reminder that things will happen to my physical body...but life truly marches on...and I for one don't want to miss the parade!
Until tomorrow (or sometime soon!)... Annie
Let me explain a bit…
1. I am an absolute freak about my health after having watched my Mom die of cancer. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a super-freak in that I exercise like a maniac and watch every molecule that I put into my mouth…but I do like to be aware of my health and take steps to assure it continues to be good.
2. I have small children yet to raise and I’m not ready to have something potentially threaten that.
3. I absolutely love life and being present in the moment.
Now I could get into an existential discussion right about now…but that is really not the point I would like to make with this post. Instead, I want to discuss a statement from an incredible movie called “To Save A Life.” It isn’t a well-known movie and yet the story is wonderful and towards the very end, one of the characters says, “Life is a journey…but it’s more than the destination…it’s about transformation.” And when I heard that, it really made me think.
Our whole purpose in life, whether we get it or not, is to transform from selfish, self-centered creatures to people that are holy and giving…no matter what the circumstances being faced. This can have many different facets…
God is so good!! I stopped writing the above last night because I couldn't really verbalize what was in my mind...and Pat was watching some special ops show that was very distracting. As I was going to bed, I felt the opportunity to feel great anxiety over the unknown mass growing in my tummy...but I told myself, no - I'm not going to think scary thoughts and instead, I want to focus on talking to God on how this all works...how illness and healing occur...and I didn't get very far because I felt a soothing calmness overtake me and I feel asleep...no nightmares, no scary thoughts...nothing but refreshing sleep.
This morning I woke up and prayed...and went about my business. As I was waiting for the shower water to warm up, I picked up the book, "Attitudes of Gratitude," and opened it to a random page...that explained exactly what was in my heart that I couldn't verbalize. SO - here is what M. J. Ryan wrote:
LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN BLESSINGS OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
Quote by Wayne Muller: Some people once brought a blind man to Jesus and asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned - this man or his parents - that he was born blind?" They all wanted to know why this terrible curse had fallen on this man. And Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the words of God might be manifest in him." He told them not to look for why suffering came but to listen for what the suffering could teach them.
Gratitude is an all-out experience. It's cheating to be grateful only for the good things that happen and to shun the bad. This isn't to saw that we want bad things to happen to us, just that if we can be grateful for the soul-lessons inherent in the difficulties that befall us, then our souls will be able to grow and mature. Otherwise, we never progress, because we fail to use the hardships that dog us to become more loving, more patient, more present, more kind.
The people whom I admire most in the world say without reservation that the hardest things they had to face - cancer, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, or job loss - had been their greatest teachers and that they were grateful for the lessons. For me it has been dealing with chronic pain.
When I was a senior in college I hurt my back. It was the first time my body betrayed me. Until then, I always considered it just a handy container to take my mind where I wanted it to go. But suddenly I couldn't move, and I had to pay attention to it. Eventually I spent over a year in bed.
It's been twenty years since then, and my back continues to be one of my greatest teachers. I've learned a lot of patience (a hard lesson for me!) and impermanence (just because it hurts like hell today doesn't mean it will tomorrow). I've learned the value of physical discipline ("No time to do those boring back exercises?" my body says. "I'll show you!"). I've learned that I can't push myself beyond limits that I still don't recognize until after I've exceeded them. That even doing everything "right" is no guarantee I'll be free from pain. I've learned to let go of my wanting it to be better, and I've learned how much I still exist even if I am able to do absolutely nothing. Now, in theory, I could have learned those things some other way, and perhaps I might have. But the truth of my life is that I have learned them through chronic pain - and I'm grateful for the lessons, if not for the pain.
Right now, write down the ten hardest or most terrible things that ever happened to you. As you look over the list, can you see the gifts that each of them brought?
Metaphysical teacher Daniel T. Peralta suggests that when you are suffering from some difficulty whose blessing is invisible to you, you say the following prayer: "I am willing to see the gift in this experience. May the lessons be revealed to me and may I become stronger and clearer."
Life is a journey...but not about the destination...but rather the transformation. For the remainder of last Friday, Saturday and Sunday - I felt odd...slightly depressed, slightly anxious...and not focused on the things that matter. The thing in my tummy is going to grow or shrink regardless of what I'm thinking...or doing...so why not embrace the good around me. If there is one thing that is certain in life it's that you never get any time back. As my children ran around and laughed and played, as my husband thoughtfully tried to give me space and serve me as best he could...as the breeze blew outside and the sun came out to play...my focus was entirely elsewhere. Why? Because I have some bubble on my ovary? Life is precious...and I believe that in focusing on the things that matter most - children, spouse, friends...relationships - then no matter what, there will be no regrets because you will know that you know you have truly lived life to the fullest.
The lesson for me seems to be that the more I want to cling to life...the more I am reminded that it is but a short journey in the grand scheme of things...and at some appointed time, my spirit will exist in another realm. In my heart - I want to learn and transform as much as possible in reflecting less of me and more of Jesus...because there is no one that has ever existed that was/is more beautiful, loving, merciful and compassionate than Him. I think this bump on my ovary is a lovely reminder that things will happen to my physical body...but life truly marches on...and I for one don't want to miss the parade!
Until tomorrow (or sometime soon!)... Annie
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Christmas 365 - Day 55 (Feb 24)
After whining for a bit yesterday, I'm back on track and pray I will not fall so far behind again if I even just write a short snippet every day.
This morning I drove toAustin San Antonio ...but it was very different in Austin
The homeless that I ran across would not make eye contact and very few would say hello back. Of the ones that would say hello, they just said hello and looked away quickly. I probably looked like a fish out of water as I was wearing a suit and looked pretty good if I say so myself...but that is exactly what was surprising because I thought they would have flocked to me to see how many dollars or coins they could get out if me...but they didn't.
Hmmmm..... Very interesting indeed....
Even after the press conference was over and I walked out to my car, I didn't see anyone that I could connect to. These folks seemed really broken in spirit...and I wasn't sure how to reach out to them that would be mutually satisfying. So I got in my car and leftAustin ...and the whole way back to San Antonio
I understand that we live in a broken world that is populated by broken people that sometimes do really awful things to each other...because either that is all they know and they truly are, in their own way, doing the best they can...or they have something gone wrong and doing evil things brings them a feeling of power and/or satisfaction. It was never meant to be that way...but humans seem to be easily corruptible…and before you know it, people are hurt and begin hurting others…and on and on and on…
I know for many people it is hard to believe that God is in the midst of all this…and I simply don’t have the time right now to go deep into an argument of why I believe and just know deep in my spirit that this is true. But I know that I know that this was never meant to be…and so now the question becomes, what can we do? There are many things that we can do and as I’ve written before – the easiest way to change the world is to convince more and more people to lead the way into a loving way of relating to each other…and we do this by being examples of love, mercy and forgiveness within our circles of influence. But doing that can be really, really hard…especially when people just annoy the heck out of you… Sooooo – I think now that the first step is to know, to really, really know who we are in Christ. Here is what the Word says about us:
If we internalize these truths… If we begin to let go of ourselves and allow Him to lead us… If we give up the illusion of control… If we rejoice each and every day for our blessings and gifts…and opportunities that come our way… Then we will change…and when we change, we will impact those around us to change… And then things will begin to get better…one person at a time. But we must ALL believe this… I do. I believe it. Do you?
So tomorrow, I have a plan again for a special Christmas gift. I pray it will come to pass! Also, on a different note, most of you might have read about my garden... and I just want to share the update that my garden is showing signs of life as evidenced below!
And although I will not be able to post this until tonight, I'm writing in the early evening and my family is playing basketball without me during this beautiful spring-ish day...so I gotta go...
Until tomorrow... Annie
This morning I drove to
The homeless that I ran across would not make eye contact and very few would say hello back. Of the ones that would say hello, they just said hello and looked away quickly. I probably looked like a fish out of water as I was wearing a suit and looked pretty good if I say so myself...but that is exactly what was surprising because I thought they would have flocked to me to see how many dollars or coins they could get out if me...but they didn't.
Hmmmm..... Very interesting indeed....
Even after the press conference was over and I walked out to my car, I didn't see anyone that I could connect to. These folks seemed really broken in spirit...and I wasn't sure how to reach out to them that would be mutually satisfying. So I got in my car and left
I understand that we live in a broken world that is populated by broken people that sometimes do really awful things to each other...because either that is all they know and they truly are, in their own way, doing the best they can...or they have something gone wrong and doing evil things brings them a feeling of power and/or satisfaction. It was never meant to be that way...but humans seem to be easily corruptible…and before you know it, people are hurt and begin hurting others…and on and on and on…
I know for many people it is hard to believe that God is in the midst of all this…and I simply don’t have the time right now to go deep into an argument of why I believe and just know deep in my spirit that this is true. But I know that I know that this was never meant to be…and so now the question becomes, what can we do? There are many things that we can do and as I’ve written before – the easiest way to change the world is to convince more and more people to lead the way into a loving way of relating to each other…and we do this by being examples of love, mercy and forgiveness within our circles of influence. But doing that can be really, really hard…especially when people just annoy the heck out of you… Sooooo – I think now that the first step is to know, to really, really know who we are in Christ. Here is what the Word says about us:
· I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, BUT Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20)
· There is no better example of faithful, merciful love than Jesus…and if He can endure terrible persecution and agonizing pain…and in the midst of it all say, “Abba – forgive them for they know not what they do,” AND He live IN us…then yes, we, too, can let Him flow through us so that we, too, can be amazing examples of the Father’s love
· The Son has set me free. I am free indeed! (John 8:36)
· We are bound to sin only in as much as we come into agreement with it.
· My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19)
· I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
· He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)
· There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
· Nothing can ever separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:38-39)
· In all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)
· God is faithful. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
· God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
· My light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17)
· He is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me. (Ephesians 3:20)
· God is for me! Who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)
So tomorrow, I have a plan again for a special Christmas gift. I pray it will come to pass! Also, on a different note, most of you might have read about my garden... and I just want to share the update that my garden is showing signs of life as evidenced below!
 |
| Picture of back left corner of garden... It's very, very dead looking but... |
 |
| If you look closely, there is evidence of life! |
And although I will not be able to post this until tonight, I'm writing in the early evening and my family is playing basketball without me during this beautiful spring-ish day...so I gotta go...
Until tomorrow... Annie
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Christmas 365 – Day 45 (Feb 14) to Day 54 (Feb 23)
I’m going to whine for a little bit. My life has exploded and I have become very, very busy. I have many different projects brewing at work and more and more opportunities are coming my way that I must develop. At home, there is hardly time for anything selfish like blogging…plus we have been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional stuff that just seems to drain the energy away. My immediate family is wonderfully good, thank God…but God is shifting us into another season and as such, we have had to say good-bye to certain things…and good-byes are never an easy thing to deal with.
Despite these issues, the Christmas spirit has been operating. On Valentines, two thoughtful things happened. One my doing and the other not. I baked brownies for our surrounding neighbors. I cut them into bite-size squares and placed them within mini cupcake liners – half double chocolate and the other half German chocolate. They were much appreciated! Then Pat surprised me by arranging for a babysitter so he and I could go to dinner. This was a surprise because we always celebrate an un-Valentines Valentine. Regardless – it was nice. We went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant close to home called Aladin’s Grill where you can have some very yummy Mediterranean food. We were the only ones there other than the family that owns the restaurant. They were all sitting together at a table sharing a meal, laughing and talking about love. The children were giggling and the adults were smiling and it was wonderful to watch. The service was great and everything was lovely and then as Pat and I were finishing our meal, the Mom (our waitress/hostess) came over with two small plates containing some orange cake she had baked, a chocolate bonbon and a chocolate candy that she had served from her family’s table. I don’t know why that brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy and grateful for such a tiny gesture…but that she would be thoughtful enough to slice some cake and arrange it with some candies for us…so that we could be part of their celebration, too… The children, grandparents and friends watched her…and they watched our happy reaction…and it was totally the Christmas spirit operating on Valentine’s… It was simply beautiful.
Then - amidst other tiny, thoughtful things - last Friday stands out as special for the Christmas spirit. I and three other friends were on our way to a ladies retreat and as we were zooming down IH-10 East, we passed an old man with white hair leaning down on a cane...he was off the access road and not walking...just leaning on his cane. Only two of us saw him...and we quickly tried to figure out whether or not we should turn back and check on him as he clearly looked to be homeless. After a couple of minutes, we decided to turn around and pass him to see if he looked to be in trouble. As we approached him slowly, we realized that he looked very, very tired. We passed him and pulled off to the side where he couldn't see us. We talked about what we should do and we decided that we would pull together some cash and also offer him a ride...and that is what we did. His name is Ken and he is 69 years old. He only carries his cane and a Bible...and the odd thing about him is that he smelled of the earth instead of a more unpleasant aroma. We gave him a ride to the next gas station which happened to have a restaurant. He said he was on his way to Houston and he had been walking the Texas highways since he was 18 because his parents had died and he didn't know what else to do with himself. We gave him the cash and offered to pray with him....and that was that.
Although I have engaged in other thoughtful things, those two are my favorites in this time that I haven't blogged. Two days ago, during rush hour traffic, I found myself listening to worship music as I often do in the morning...and I was beating myself up about how I start things but have a hard time following through. I was upset and stressed...and feeling inadequate and just thinking about negative things, real or perceived, about myself...and then it's funny how God can speak to you in songs.
The songs that played were all about how oftentimes He doesn't want us to DO anything for Him, He just wants us to spend time with Him...because He loves us...and thinks we are beautiful and interesting...and I began to cry because I realized that in my rushing around like a crazy chicken, oh-so-worried about not being able to get everything done...I was missing the point...
The point of the blog is to share my journey as I try to live the Christmas spirit every day...and a huge part of the Christmas spirit is joy...and when you stop experiencing joy because you feel you gotta just get it done...you are once again falling away from the Christmas spirit and living more like the world...and less like Jesus.
I'm glad He reminded me of those things... I can stop beating myself up now...and stop feeling inadequate. I am perfect in His sight...even with all my junk, He loves me...and all of you guys, too. He wants us to walk alongside Him...and share our journeys with Him...when they are joyful...and most especially when they're tough.
If you are not experiencing joy in your life, I encourage you to take an inventory and see what the things are that are truly worth your time so that you can let go of those things that aren't. It isn't always an easy process but I think the reward at the end is invaluable. Maybe we need to let go of TV or the Internet or trashy books. Perhaps we need to spend more time with our significant other or children or family or friends. I don't know... But I do know that within each of us live dreams and desires that we probably squash in favor of other things that in thoughtful consideration are probably not all that gratifying.
This blog is important to me...and I have to cut myself a break - that between a full-time job and a housefhold with young children, I may not get to blog every day as I desire...but I'm going to promise that I'm not giving up on this journey...because when I post a posting - it brings me great joy...and it's worth it to me as this is important in my life.
I pray you each find something just as gratifying that is uniquely yours and brings a smile to your face...that when you finish, you can think to yourself, "well done."
Until tomorrow (I hope!).... Annie
Then - amidst other tiny, thoughtful things - last Friday stands out as special for the Christmas spirit. I and three other friends were on our way to a ladies retreat and as we were zooming down IH-10 East, we passed an old man with white hair leaning down on a cane...he was off the access road and not walking...just leaning on his cane. Only two of us saw him...and we quickly tried to figure out whether or not we should turn back and check on him as he clearly looked to be homeless. After a couple of minutes, we decided to turn around and pass him to see if he looked to be in trouble. As we approached him slowly, we realized that he looked very, very tired. We passed him and pulled off to the side where he couldn't see us. We talked about what we should do and we decided that we would pull together some cash and also offer him a ride...and that is what we did. His name is Ken and he is 69 years old. He only carries his cane and a Bible...and the odd thing about him is that he smelled of the earth instead of a more unpleasant aroma. We gave him a ride to the next gas station which happened to have a restaurant. He said he was on his way to Houston and he had been walking the Texas highways since he was 18 because his parents had died and he didn't know what else to do with himself. We gave him the cash and offered to pray with him....and that was that.
Although I have engaged in other thoughtful things, those two are my favorites in this time that I haven't blogged. Two days ago, during rush hour traffic, I found myself listening to worship music as I often do in the morning...and I was beating myself up about how I start things but have a hard time following through. I was upset and stressed...and feeling inadequate and just thinking about negative things, real or perceived, about myself...and then it's funny how God can speak to you in songs.
The songs that played were all about how oftentimes He doesn't want us to DO anything for Him, He just wants us to spend time with Him...because He loves us...and thinks we are beautiful and interesting...and I began to cry because I realized that in my rushing around like a crazy chicken, oh-so-worried about not being able to get everything done...I was missing the point...
The point of the blog is to share my journey as I try to live the Christmas spirit every day...and a huge part of the Christmas spirit is joy...and when you stop experiencing joy because you feel you gotta just get it done...you are once again falling away from the Christmas spirit and living more like the world...and less like Jesus.
I'm glad He reminded me of those things... I can stop beating myself up now...and stop feeling inadequate. I am perfect in His sight...even with all my junk, He loves me...and all of you guys, too. He wants us to walk alongside Him...and share our journeys with Him...when they are joyful...and most especially when they're tough.
If you are not experiencing joy in your life, I encourage you to take an inventory and see what the things are that are truly worth your time so that you can let go of those things that aren't. It isn't always an easy process but I think the reward at the end is invaluable. Maybe we need to let go of TV or the Internet or trashy books. Perhaps we need to spend more time with our significant other or children or family or friends. I don't know... But I do know that within each of us live dreams and desires that we probably squash in favor of other things that in thoughtful consideration are probably not all that gratifying.
This blog is important to me...and I have to cut myself a break - that between a full-time job and a housefhold with young children, I may not get to blog every day as I desire...but I'm going to promise that I'm not giving up on this journey...because when I post a posting - it brings me great joy...and it's worth it to me as this is important in my life.
I pray you each find something just as gratifying that is uniquely yours and brings a smile to your face...that when you finish, you can think to yourself, "well done."
Until tomorrow (I hope!).... Annie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)