Christmas 365 – Day 30

Mission accomplished as to my grumpy, older neighbors.   While Liam was taking a nap, Pat and Lilly ran some errands stopping to get flowers on the way home.  They did a fine job of picking them out as it was a very big bouquet of all kinds of flowers that were bright and cheerful…and perfect.  I quickly got a pretty vase, trimmed and arranged the flowers, and wrote a “We’re Thinking of You” card…and asked the older children to come get us next door should Liam wake up…and off Pat and I went.

I will admit I was nervous, that I didn’t know what to expect…but I was determined to see it through.  I dreaded getting caught up talking about aches and pains.  That is the selfish me.  I dreaded having awkward moments of silence.  That, too, is the selfish me.  But onwards our feet took us.

Pat rang the door bell and George (not his real name) answered the door and was rather taken aback to see us standing there holding flowers.  I think I stammered that we just wanted to brighten their day some and thought some flowers would be the way to go.  As I finished, Lucy (not her real name) shuffled to the door saying, “come in, come in”…and over the threshold we went…into a home that was immaculately clean and smelling of moth balls and old age.  Do you know the smell?  But what was amazing was the life that still dwelt within.

Lucy took us into her kitchen where she placed the vase in the middle of her island saying over and over again how nice the flowers were…how pretty they were…and how nice of us to think of them.  She read the card and I think I saw her lip quiver a bit as she gently smiled to herself.  In response to our accolades as to their home, George started talking about all the work that they had put into their home.  In a few minutes, we were seated in their living room and talking about…I’m not really sure what.  As Pat and George talked, I looked at all the pictures around their home…their carefully taken care of knickknacks…the history and the clues as to the life they had lived…and it rather took my breath away.  Not because of anything super spectacular…but because of the life that those things chronicled.

Lucy showed off her stain-busting elixir that she uses on her couch and the cat that seems as old as they are!  Then she showed me items that revealed her German heritage.  She was born and raised in Germany and came to the United States as a very, very lovely young lady.  How do I know she was lovely?  Because she showed me framed pictures of herself as a young girl…and boy, was she a looker!  She was positively beautiful.  In the photograph, her eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief and she seemed to glow with youth.  She was healthy and vibrant…and oh, so happy looking.  She showed me several pictures – wedding pictures, family pictures…but no children.  She and George were unable to have any.  They tried, she said, but it just never worked out.  She said she was okay with it as her sister had eight! And yet there was just something in her that seemed to ache for the lost chance of even having had one.  My heart went out to her.

She offered us a Coke.  She offered us croissants.  Pat and George talked about investments and sports and I don’t know what else.  It became clear that this “fast” visit could turn into more but we were worried for the children next door.  We tried to leave but they were so hungry for the visit.  They prepared some pie for us to take with us…and then they just had to give us a tour of the house…and it was so hard to leave them…but we promised we would visit again…and we will.

I’m ashamed of myself, really.  How could it be that I live next to these people and I stayed away…because I didn’t want to be bothered, because I don’t have the time.  We were there but 25 minutes and it made such an impact on them.  What I am learning on this quest is that it takes so very little time!  We have this idea in our minds that things must take SO long…but they really don’t! 

The fact is that George and Lucy are still alive…and have such stories to tell…and it wasn’t boring or awkward or annoying or anything other than interesting…and dare I say “fun.”  They have lived their lives and they definitely have way more yesterdays than they have tomorrows left…and who cares about them?  They have outlived their families; they don’t have children…and when they pass…who will care that they lived?  That they hurt and laughed and cried and hoped and dreamed and all the things we do in our own lives now…that they, in fact, continue to do those things? 

Where and when does life become so devoid of value that no one can stop for a moment and say, “hello, how are you doing today?” and really listen to the other person?

I pray that the Lord grant me a long life…and I pray when I’m as old as they are, that some young whippersnapper will stop in and say a “hello, how are you”…and not only take a moment to listen to me…but also to share what is going on with them as things will be so vastly different for them then than it now is for me in my prime.

The best things about this quest are the lessons I’m learning and the ah-ha moments I’m having.  If we don’t value others now, who will value us later?

I’m glad we did what we did…and just like Mystic Park Rehab Center, we will be back for more visits…especially once the weather warms up some and we can watch the children play outside our front lawns. 

I like what Proverbs 16:31 says: gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness.

To Lucy and George – Merry Christmas…and thank you, thank you for a valuable lesson.

Until tomorrow…   Annie

Christmas 365 - Days 27 to 29

Why is it that a baby can inspire such hope in people?  Thursday (day 27), a very, very dear friend had her very first baby…a little girl that is absolutely perfect…nothing dark or hopeless about her…just sweet innocence.  What a happy, happy day...I had a goofy smile for hours that day!!

But that day was a topsy-turvy kind of day because I also found out that yet another coworker who was just officially hired has cancer that has spread from the original site to another.  This lady has gone through a lot and she is working very hard to straighten her life and she is on the verge of breakthrough…and now this.  She had volunteered with us...she is not that old at all...sweet smile, sweet disposition...and now this.

Isn’t life a wild ride?  It’s really true…it’s like this rollercoaster that thrills and terrifies all at once. 

I'm writing this on the morning of Day 29 as I got behind on my posts...and a lot has happened since Thursday (Day 27).  Some people at work got together to help set up that new coworker with some things for her new apartment and I pitched in some cash for that.  I met with a Pastor of a large church here in San Antonio and we discussed his church and where their hearts are for mission work within the city.  He said he would like for me to come out during the group's next meeting so I can talk to them about feeling burned out in their work with the poor...helping them dispel that sense of hopelessness/helplessness over the magnitude of poverty people face.  I will do that with bells on. 

Friday (Day 28) was a very busy day for me although it began with taking care of my oldest that has another cold.  I worked and got frustrated and calmed down...but also had the opportunity to laugh with some coworkers on our way to a welcome lunch for some new employees.  You see, there is construction work being done on the main road that gets us to and from work...and we were late...and between the tractors and orange cones and overly-careful people (is that even possible?), the driver was getting seven shades of excited as we just couldn't seem to get ahead.  Then a light blue minivan that was being driven by an elderly man came into our lives for a moment.  My coworker that was driving, although late, allowed this man to turn right and get in front of us.  The light for us was green, we could have sped on...but we waited for this man...who decided to stop half-way on his turn...why?  Who knows why...  But our driver and the front passenger started yelling at him to "GO!!!!  GO!!!" with lots of waving arms.  Kinda makes me laugh again now that I'm typing it.  So the man carefully starts in again and - probably panicked by the display of exaggerated gestures to "GO!!!!!" - he got in the far left lane...which was a turn-left only lane...and guess what?  Both our cars got stuck at the now red light.  So there we are, next to each other although our car was slightly behind...and then the blue van's passenger window starts to roll down and we see a hand coming out and we all start laughing thinking the old woman whose hand it was was going to shoot us the bird if you know what I mean...but instead, the hand waves us forward.  We all thought she was going to say something derogatory...but instead...she asked for our help again as they wanted to know if we would allow them to get in front of us as they were in the wrong lane.  The driver of our car agreed but if only they could move in front quickly.  The light turned green...they got in front of us - slowly - to another great display of "GO - GO - GO!!!!!" and onwards we went.  The road turned into two lanes and we quickly zoomed by them and watched as the poor man cut off another driver as he changed lanes.   We laughed and talked about the driver hoping he made it to his destination safely...and the driver of our car said, "you should see Annie's face!"  I think I was just incredulous to it all...and highly amused by my car-mates...and isn't that the perfect parody of "real life?"

We all have this place we have to get to...and chances are we're late because we started our journey late - we took detours or weren't paying attention to the directions or whatever the case may be...but we're late.  And then these boneheads get in our way...sometimes because we let them...and sometimes because they just impose themselves on us...and we get frustrated and yell and carry on and blame them for making us even more late.  We finally get around them and think we're on our way...but we encounter red lights, construction, and unforeseen weather conditions...and what do we do?  Become more agitated, frustrated, annoyed?  I know I have!  And that is how life goes - in bits and pieces, with lots of stops, and unforeseen circumstances popping up - but always within us is the urge to press forward so we can get where we need to go - wherever that may be.

But we really do miss the joy and beauty of the trip when we rush...and I think we all know that to be true.  So we're late - and?  What will happen if we arrive a little late?  We will still breathe, we will still eat, we will survive - I have no doubt.

The bottom line is that life truly, verily, is precious...and oftentimes it is so easy to let that fact escape us.  We get busy doing, doing, doing; we get busy doing things that bring us pleasure in a selfish way; we do things to "get us ahead" in our jobs; we do things without even thinking about the harm they bring to us - things like smoking, drinking, overeating, holding on to grudges and past hurts...we do things that in fact hurt others because we feel justified in doing so...and to what end?  Do those things help or hinder our journey?

Part of mindful/thoughtful living is not only finding ways to bring the Christmas spirit to others in terms of doing things for them to fill their love-cups...but also having the discipline and understanding to know when it is best not to do or say something to someone...or "at" someone. 

I get frustrated with my children...with my husband...with people in general.  Like that old man in the blue van - they are seemingly oblivious to the level of angst they are sowing around them - and I sit in awe and self-righteous condemnation of them..."HOW DARE THEY BE THIS CLUELESS??!!" I think inside my mind.  And oh how I long to say something to them - to correct them, to point out their idiocy - to make them understand how crazy they are driving me...as though I was a perfect princess incapable of being the cause of any angst around myself (well - of course I don't cause angst!  I'm perfect?!  Isn't that what we think about ourselves?!)  In the past I would have allowed myself the "pleasure" of correcting people...tone dripping with sarcasm, face reflecting appropriate amount of disgust...I would have put people "in their place"...but now I think - "what's the point?"  I sometimes fail in this mission but more and more I try really, really hard not to go there.

There is a difference between bringing light and bringing darkness to people.  And why would we want to be the harbinger of darkness, of tearing down instead of building up?  Because it brings us momentary pleasure?  Because we are "right" and the other is "wrong?" And are the ripples we set in motion worth it?  Remember - we never truly know where a person is emotionally as you can never adequately judge a book by its cover.  Wouldn't it be interesting to know all the hurts our words and actions have caused?  I don't think it would be pleasant but I honestly believe it would be eye opening enough that it would inspire us to change the words and actions we use and how we use them.

I pray we all become more patient with each other...more mindful of ourselves and the ripples we set in motion...and that we ask ourselves whether the momentary pleasure and satisfaction we get from "correcting" someone is worth the price the other person may pay.  Remember the grade school admonition: if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all?  I don't think I agree with that whole-heartedly in that sometimes things need to be said that are not pleasant but they must be said to bring healing or correction to a situation.  I think the trick, though, is finding a way to say those things out of love and not frustrated disgust.

Today I have set some Christmas goals...chief among them is to bring some Christmas cheer to my next door neighbors - the grumpy, 80-year-old ones.  I'll let you know how that goes.

To my funny, sweet coworkers that made me laugh so...thank you!  For so many things - thank you!

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 26

Yesterday, I thought about a plan.  Today I put some wheels in motion.  I started my morning by connecting with my oldest son and making sure he knew how much I loved him and was proud of him.  Then as I was driving to work (at a red light!!), I sent a text to one of my girlfriends that I know could us a little extra love.  At work, I invited my ill coworker out to lunch as a treat and also to assess what, if any, help she might need.  I also thought about putting a care package together with items she would find comforting.  I thought I would give her this package on Thursday as her surgery is on Friday…but after having lunch with her I decided to hold off.  It seems the surgery isn’t the big deal…it’s the treatment that will begin two weeks later.  I will hold off on the care package until she leaves for the treatments.

After work, as I drove, I tried to be mindful and considerate of the drivers around me.  I remembered the days I would think, “JERKWADS!!!!” fondly…and realized that although that thought has become less and less prevalent, it still lurks in the hidden recesses of my mind because I was cut off dangerously close and that thought popped into my mind…and I liked it!  I guess I truly am a work in progress!! 

Had a lovely dinner with my family – we laughed and talked and it was nice.  I found out a very, very dear friend had gone into labor and we were all on pins and needles wanting to know what was going on.  Another friend and I felt like they needed to update their status more frequently for us but I guess they were slightly busy and preoccupied with other things.  I’ll forgive them…this time! J 

As my day was winding down and I was helping to put the children to bed, I thought about my elderly neighbors.  Boo!  Still no solid plan there…  Will keep working on that.

As I’m working on this blog post, Pat is watching Black Hawk Down in the same room with me…and can I just say that I cannot imagine being in a war zone…  I’m looking at a scene where they are trying to save this guy from bleeding out and they are digging in his leg…and there are gun shots and mortars going off…and like a million people that hate their guts surrounding them…and I’m thinking…how can anyone come home and act “normal” after the stress and horror of such an experience?  How?!  I don’t like war movies…and it’s very hard to concentrate on this blog while seeing all that stuff.

Will write some more tomorrow…but I have to say that I like the speech the Eric Bana character makes towards the end of the movie…I can’t quote it all but he says that people back home ask him whether he’s some kind of war hero…and he doesn’t reply to them because he knows they’ll never understand…they’ll never understand that after a while, it’s not about the war but about the man next to you…  I really like that…and I agree…it’s not about the world, my state, or my city…but about the people next to me…  Must keep that focus…

Until tomorrow…   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 25

I want to say how I am continually surprised at how serious illness affects so many people.  One day you are going along and then you learn that someone has cancer...a serious form of cancer.  Such was the case with me and yet another one of my coworkers today.  She's an older lady I admire.  She is a giver - always looking for how to bless someone.  After watching my Mom die of this horrible disease, knowing that someone I know and care about has to deal with this is really hard.

She is at work like nothing...is having surgery on Friday to take out the tumor.  She is calm and is working like nothing...but then what else can she do?  Her Mom died last year and she takes care of her sister.  Actually, she always seems to be taking care of someone and it seemed like she was getting to a point where she could retire and take care of herself finally...but now this.

I don't have much to write about because I've been pretty consumed with thinking about what I could possibly do for her that would let her know that I care...that I'm praying for her...that I'm here for her...that I appreciate her...whatever that means.

I still have to figure out my neighbor's Christmas act...and now my coworker...  I think today is a day to regroup and think things through...

If you're reading this and feel moved to pray for me on this quest...please pray...  This is tough...but I am determined not to give up.  It IS just the first month! :)

Until tomorrow...
Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 24

Today was rather uneventful in terms of a spectacular Christmas 365 event…but it was still a good and blessed day.  I looked forward to tonight because a friend and I coordinated a women’s social group where we can come together, talk, laugh, cry if we need to…and all while eating dessert.  What’s not to like about that?!  Anyhow, tonight was our first meeting and I was excited about it all day.  My Christmas 365 thoughtful/mindful gesture was that I didn’t want anyone left behind so I tried to be aware of who may need a treat and I would make that treat happen.  I’m sad to say no one needed it…but I was ready nonetheless…but that’s not the important thing.

We met at 7 p.m. at a restaurant and all the ladies were so, so excited as it had been a long while since we had all met together in a social setting where we didn’t have to do anything but just enjoy each other’s company.  We sat and ordered…and then the talking began.  As this group also has the purpose of life-issues mentorship through chatting, we decided that we would each share where we are in our lives, what season we are going through and if people had a suggestion or wisdom to share, they could.  Oftentimes it was just nice to receive sister-love if you know what I mean!  Anyhow – we are all different ages and all in different stages of careers, marriages, parents, children, etc…but what we do have in common is our love of the Lord and a deep respect and admiration for each other.

After some silliness and much laughter (you know who you are!), these friends began sharing their hearts and I was filled with compassion.  These are ladies that I see often…but I had no idea of the struggles and/or issues some of them are dealing with.  Don’t get me wrong – it’s not like we were a bunch of basket-cases weeping and carrying on about our misery...we weren’t!  It’s just that I see most of these ladies at least once a week and seriously had no clue about some things.  And I think I’m observant and in-the-know but boy was I ever wrong and it goes to show you, in my opinion, how very little we actually pay attention to others…even others we see on a regular basis.

What became readily apparent was how very important it is to feel connected to others and to feel like you have a web of support.  Some friends shared some pretty worrisome issues they had dealt with such as sick parents or sickness in themselves and what got them through was their connections and support from others.  Then there were the friends that felt like although they were surrounded by people all day long, they were completely alone…no one to really care, no one that really knows their heart, no one that takes an active interest in their lives.  The word “loneliness” was used on several occasions…and I think it is amazing that we truly are surrounded by a sea of people at any given moment and yet people still feel alone.  Wow!  But on second thought, it really isn’t that surprising considering all the opportunities we have to disengage from others what with TV, smart phones, computers, and plain ole busy-ness.

So what to do, what to do? 

Mother Teresa said, “It is easier to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.”

What a wise lady that one was…  Her words are so, so true.  If we all focused on making sure that those in our closest proximity were loved, valued and taken care of – if we ALL did this – all our love-cups would be full and we would go about with light spirits sharing of the abundance within our hearts.  We would all be givers instead of takers…and yet we would all be receivers, too.  And what amazing transformation would occur in our homes, our cities…our nation and the world if we behaved this way?  Yes – I am an idealist…but what if? 

A ripple begins with one single drop that spreads forever forward…

You know…I get so tired sometimes...  I have a lot going on in my life.  Full-time work, full-time family and household, always seem to be planning/coordinating something for someone…an event, an outing, a gesture, this blog…but for Jesus in me, I would be insane and bitter and angry.  I bet Jesus felt that way sometimes…but He would always see His sacrifice as worth the other person’s benefit.  Most people reading this (I think) are believers called to reflect more and more of Jesus and less and less of ourselves.  Are we ready?  Are we ready to live sacrificial lives in the knowledge that if enough of us take on this challenge, amazing transformation is possible and at the end, we will be receivers of the bounty within those that we have filled?  Are we ready?

So after tonight, I’m on the lookout for the lonely…and the sad thing is that I know of two lonely people that live right next to me.  They never had children and they are both in their 80s.  They have ill-health, they are at times grumpy…and as I’m not particularly fond of them, I have avoided them often.  Nice, huh?  I think sometime this week, I will find a reason to connect with them and report back what happened.

Will you do the same?  Will you find someone that you can brighten up their day?  If you choose to be a ripple, will you let me know? Encouragement is always lovely!

Until tomorrow…

Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 23

And so I am back on parents today…but in a good, Christmas 365 kind of way.  I don’t think I’m going to have much to say but I could be wrong…so let me explain what happened…

Pat finally read Friday’s post about the children and how incredibly much I love and value them…  He got a little emotional and said, “Just like you feel about the kids, I bet my Mom feels that way about me…and that’s why she always wants me to call her on the weekends.”  So we talked about this…and the fact that no matter how old you get, your parents love you and still think of those times that you were little and sweet and innocent…when you were the height of deliciousness.  They think about what they did right…and what they did wrong…and more often than not, they wonder if they could have done better.  And meanwhile, the grown children are so caught up with their own brood that they hardly have time to sit and consider things from their parents’ perspective.  They (We) are so busy, so tired, so overwhelmed, so (fill in the blank) that only our pressing needs and those of our children enter our minds.  Now please know I’m generalizing here as this is not true for everyone…but I think for a great many of us, it is.

And so as Pat and I stopped and considered things from his parents’ side, I came to a realization about myself.  This is complicated…and kind of ugly I think…but it bears sharing if it will help someone else understand.

You see, I don’t think I'm very close to my mother-in-law.  Don’t misunderstand me – I love her and I admire many qualities that she has like her funny sense of humor…she is a survivor, responsible, thoughtful, intelligent and very, very generous…but we are not tied at the hip.  

So as Pat was talking about how his Mom must still see him as we see our five year old; how she must remember holding him as a small child knowing that the day would come that he would be gone from her with his own family and how when that happened, it must have hurt, I began to see her differently…because although I haven’t experienced that pain yet…I know my day will come as well…and I can imagine the sense of loss.  I began to understand that I really am not important in the dynamic between mother and son…and that it is right and proper that Pat should call her and love on her and keep the bond strong.  I don’t stand in the way and I’m not saying he should be a Momma’s Boy…it’s just that I don’t even encourage the bond…and regardless of whether she and I will ever be tied at the hip, she needs to be close to Pat…because he will forevermore be her baby…and out of love and respect for my husband, I need to respect that…and help him keep that bond strong.

I feel like I’m typing something that doesn’t make sense…so I pray the message I’m trying to convey gets across!

Anyhow, my Christmas for today is that I’m going to write a letter to my Mom-in-Law and I’m going to ask her to forgive me for being an apathetic daughter-in-law.  I want to commit myself to making sure she and Pat remain close and that I love and admire her…  I will tell her that she is so very special to my husband…and that from my end, his love for her is abundant and keen…and that if nothing else, we share the bond of loving the same man…not in the same way, but the same man nonetheless.  What more do we need in order to be close?  We are united in that love…and I am so grateful for the job she did in raising such an amazing man…and I want her to know that I will honor, respect, love and take care of her baby…until death do I part.

Maybe she’ll get what I’m trying to do…  Maybe she’ll think I’m a big fruitcake!  I’m not sure…but regardless, I want her to know…and more than that, I want her to experience the renewed connection with her son…her baby…the one she had big dreams for, the one she took care of when sick…the one that made her laugh and broke her heart possibly on the same day. 

As I sit here and close my eyes and picture my babies…I know…and I feel closer to her than I ever have…

Merry Christmas, Mom…and Merry Christmas to me, too…

Until tomorrow…

Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 22

I have a book that I keep close because it has a way of making me see things from a different perspective, which is sometimes a very good thing.  Today I read a section that so touched me that I would like to share it with you.

It deals with our parents…

I know many of you know my history and for those of you that don’t – let’s just say I had a very difficult childhood – so much so that I often fantasized of being adopted, of running away, of finding someone who would whisk me away to live happily ever after.  My home was dysfunctional and filled with abuse and I couldn’t wait to leave and never come back. 

Although I adored my mother, I despised my father and I didn’t ever want anything to do with him and the thought that half of me came from him was at times unbearable.  But that was then – and this is now.  Most of you know that both my parents died when I was in my early 20s and I have since healed from the hurts of my childhood.  In fact – I sometimes wish I could see both my parents – yes, even my dad – so I could relate to them as an adult and have a heart-to-heart with them about life, children…and mental illness…to say that although I don’t condone their actions, I understand and I forgive…and can we please move forward and enjoy the rest of the time we have together…but of course, that is a pipe dream…at least in this life. 

But for some of you, there is still time…and for you, I share the following…because it offers a different perspective and a healthy dose of hope…and at the very least, the validation that if you are caught in a family web of yuck – it can end with you.  This lady’s thoughts really resonated with me because I completely understand some of what she says…and appreciate the insight she shares at the end.

(from: Attitudes of Gratitude by M. J. Ryan)

HONOR YOUR ANCESTORS

There is no house like the house of belonging. – David Whyte

When I was in college, I used to fantasize that I sprang into life fully formed as a young woman, like Aphrodite from the sea foam.  It was my way of not only repudiating patterns from my parents that I didn’t want to replicate, but convincing myself that, in fact, I was incapable of repeating them. It took me decades to acknowledge that while I am indeed my own unique self, I am also the child of my parents, and that indeed I am, for good or bad, more like them than I ever imagined.

It’s a paradox.  Here we are, a singular, irreplaceable soul here for its own purpose and, at the same time, the somewhat inevitable result of our parents and their physical and emotional legacy.  We’re the miraculous result of a once-in-a-lifetime meeting of a sperm and an egg, the inheritor of a particular blend of two strands of DNA and a unique personality not only from that DNA, but from all the experiences and training we had from our parents as children, as well as our particular, idiosyncratic reaction to those experiences.  And our parents are in the same boat.  They are the inheritors, both genetically and circumstantially, from their parents, and their parents from theirs, back through time. Thus, in a very real sense, we are the product og all those who came before us.

Because so many of us came from painful or difficult childhood circumstances, it is easy to either deny our connection to those who preceded us or else to blame those circumstances and our relatives for all that goes on in our lives.  In either case we get stuck – first, by repeating the past because we fail to acknowledge it; second, by repeating the past because we fail to grow beyond it.

But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors, we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more nor less than their due.  We are able to use the lessons they have taught us (even if by negative example) and move beyond their legacy to claim our rightful place in the world.  We recognize our deep connection and inhabit fully the “house of belonging.”

Dawna Markova has a wonderful practice to make this real for you.  “Look in the palm of your hand. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply enough, you’ll never be lonely.  Each cell of your hand is made from the genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father.  Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the pal, of your hand.  If you look a little deeper, you’ll also see your grandfathers and grandmothers.  Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your DNA.  Can you hear them whispering in your ear, ‘Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world, maybe this is the one who will move beyond the limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams into the world.’

Honoring our connection to those who came before us gives us a sense of belonging and wholeness.

Until tomorrow…

Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 21

I have reached a stage that I didn't think I would ever get to - the stage where you live for Fridays.  Don't get me wrong!  I like every day...but Fridays are special now.  They signify the beginning of rest and family time...and as the children grow and grow, time with them becomes more and more precious.  It is such a strange time in my life and I am beginning to think I understand what drives a mid-life crisis.  I think a mid-life crisis stems from understanding that you have probably lived half your life and that you may have more yesterdays than tomorrows...and despite this fact, you still feel young and capable...like these are the best years yet.  All these thoughts can lead to wanting to do something wild and crazy to hold on to that bygone youth...and that is where some slip and stumble into sports cars or something worse.

I think I understand all that...but I don't want to do anything crazy.  I just want to make time stand still for a little bit.  I want my children to keep thinking of me as a super genius just a little bit longer.  I want to see my baby's Buddha-belly last just a few more years so I can rub it and tickle him on it as he laughs with uninhibited glee.  I like my oldest still coming to me for love and affirmation and I like my middle child's sweet innocence as she walks in my high heels.  I don't want my babies to get their first broken heart quite yet...  I don't want my babies wanting to (or needing to) fly the coop quite yet.  I know I'm a few years out from that...but I see the writing on the wall...and it makes me sad.  I know that once those days are here, my children will no longer be mine - not that they ever really were - but even the illusion will be gone.  And then I can only hope that I raised them right.  I can only pray that they will want to come home for the holidays.  I can only pray that they will bring my grandbabies over so I can see them.  I can only pray that they will understand how very deeply, how all-encompassing my love for them has been...and always will be...and that from that understanding they will have love back for me...enough to remain close to me and my heart.  I can only pray...

Those thoughts swirled in my brain as I waited for the proverbial 5 o'clock to roll around so that I could get to those children.  I didn't want anything to mess up that time with them...and I'm happy to report that we had a splendid time.  The children had no idea what was going on and it was fun to plan a surprise for them.  As it was about 7 o'clock when we headed out to eat, we thought it best not to go to a traditional sit-down restaurant and headed to Chick-Fil-A instead.  The children thought it was strange that we drove about 30 minutes to get to one when there is one about five minutes away from our home...but of course they would think it was strange because they didn't know the rest of the plan!

The rest of the plan was Laser Legend - a laser tag place with an arcade inside - that is on the opposite side of San Antonio.  Oh - did we have fun!  We had to wait until our first game started and while we waited we played video games.  Lilly and I made fools of ourselves playing Dance Dance Revolution but oh how it felt GOOD to belly laugh like that.  We didn't care who saw us...she - because she is still too young to care and me - well - I didn't know anyone but even if I did, they would know me well enough to know I don't care much for what they think of me.  So on and on we tried to dance while the boys played Star Wars games and shoot-em-up games.  As our time arrived, we proceeded to play and it was Mom versus kids (and husband!)...and who would have guessed that a five year old that had never played before would snipe us all to a win?!  After playing two rounds of tag we played air hockey and some other games and finally we got some Cokes and headed home well past 10 p.m. - a very late night for our kiddos indeed. 

What a blessed and wonderful time!  How I loved seeing the sheer joy and laughter in my children's eyes.  The laughter and banter and even the trash talk was all music to my ears and brought a smile to my lips.  As Pat drove us home, I looked over at him and smiled as we listened to the children recount tales of the heroics in the back seat.  Our eyes met for a moment...and I knew that he knew what was in my heart...because it was in his heart, too.  And that is why I don't need a sports car or a different man or anything else to make my life exciting.  I just need for time to stand still for a bit...because the stuff of heaven on earth is now tucked into bed upstairs...and I just want to hold on to them for a little bit longer.

Merry Christmas, my babies!  I know time won't stand still for me...and even if I really had the power to make it happen, I know it would be wrong for me to do it...and so all I can do is try to see you, appreciate you, love you and enjoy you every single day to the best that I can.  I and so I will...

Until tomorrow...

Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 20

I began my day thinking I would do something Christmas-y for my boss and give him a congratulatory card for being selected to be president of an organization we are members of.  I was so pleased with myself because it was a small gesture that would fill my “quota” for the day and how many professionals actually do random stuff like that?  I did wonder how I would have a blog entry out of that…but then I thought I’d be okay as a short entry is okay, too.  Then my day began in earnest.  

I have the privilege of attending many events for my job as my biggest responsibility is to build relationships and partnerships within the community that can support our work with the homeless.  I get to attend breakfast meetings, lunch meetings, seminars, coffees and special events…so when this luncheon came my way, I knew I would probably have chicken for lunch and that I would possibly enjoy a chocolate dessert...which I was wrong on both counts!    This small group is composed of Christian professional women that meet every two months to network and share information on how to help each other and part of the luncheon is a keynote speaker.  I was not (not) expecting to have my socks knocked off but that is exactly what the speaker did.

This lady looks like the rest of us – nothing super compelling or extraordinary.  I cannot share what she does (as I think anonymity would be preferred) but she is a high-level player in our city that has a very important job.  I thought she would speak about her job duties.  I thought she would speak about obstacles she encounters in her profession.  What I didn’t think she would do is bare her soul to a room full of strangers in a complete act of transparency that was so powerful and moving the atmosphere of the room actually changed to one of deep reverence.  I think the presence of the Lord descended or something…it was just that powerful.

I think the atmosphere actually changed because she humbled herself before us…and before the Lord…and how many people have the guts to do that?  This lady has everything the world would consider markers of success.  She is wealthy.  She is physically attractive and incredibly educated.  She has an amazing and influential job.  She has power within the community.  She didn’t owe the audience anything and she could have gotten away by speaking on some “common” topic like her job or whatever…but she chose instead to edify and to testify as to what the Lord has done for her.  She shared how she grew up with a mother that suffered from mental health issues and often beat her, how her Daddy that loved her so passed when she was young, how she married someone that, unknown to her, also had mental health issues.  She shared how she and her children dealt with abuse from her husband and how she chose to leave.  This all happened as she was at the top of her profession earning serious money and living in an exclusive neighborhood in San Antonio!  Then she had the guts to admit that instead of waiting upon the Lord and trusting that He would sustain her, she ended up in another marriage that likewise didn’t work out.    She then shared how she almost died and after a long hospital stay and an even longer recovery period, she finally put herself completely in the Lord’s palm…and it wasn’t until she was fully surrendered that He allowed her to fulfill her calling…because only when she was fully surrendered to Him would she be able to carry out mercy and justice in a humble and Godly way.  WOW! 

Who would stand there in front of strangers and confess all those things?  Who would stand there and say that it wasn’t God’s fault or her second husband’s fault that her marriage with him failed because she was guilty of sinning in not having waited upon the Lord?  Who would share that despite the abuse she endured with her first husband, she tried the best to help him because she knew he was genuinely sick?   She confessed painful family history, she confessed her sin in some of the issues, she confessed how stubborn she was in many different areas and that God couldn’t use her because she wasn’t ready. And then she knocked our socks off…

Here is a lady that owed us nothing.  Here is a lady that, according to the world’s standards and by virtue of the public nature of her job, should have kept these things under wraps.  Instead she humbly explained that all those hardships were necessary so that she would have the heart and the understanding to fulfill her job, which is her calling.  She asked if we knew of the Old Testament tradition of people building alters when they had come into agreement or wanted to mark the place of an important occurrence.  We said we did.  So she shared that her mother is such an alter in her life…as are her first and second husbands…even the illness that almost took her life…that these are all momentous events in her life that prepared her for what God purposed for her.  She shared how very painful many of those alters were…but through the grace and mercy of God, she had been freed of the pain.  She gave thanks to God for her alters…because she finally understood the significance and impact of each and every one of them.

No anger. No resentment. No bitterness…only joy and peace radiated from her…the peace and joy that come from living out your purpose and understanding your place in God’s plans.  WOW.

How many of us hold on to old hurts and bitterness?  How many of us hold on to coulda’s, shoulda’s, woulda’s that bog us down from peace and joy in the present moment.  How many of us hold on to old resentments because “it’s the principle of the matter, for Pete’s sake!!!”  How many – every day – make the choice to be unhappy or never satisfied…because we are too busy living in the past or scheming on how we’re going to get “justice” or wondering why we are always short-changed or any other negative, energy-draining attitude?  How many?

And why do we do those things?  Do we get anything out of it?  Are we improved, edified or energized? No – we do those things for reasons that really don’t make sense.  What if we made the choice that tomorrow, we were going to let go of that heavy, oppressive baggage and give thanks instead for what we do have.  Do you have eyes that see? Give thanks!  Do you have skin that feels? Give thanks! Do you have legs that work or arms that can move? Give thanks!  Are you still breathing and have a chance at life? Give thanks!  Do you have food, shelter, clothing, friends, an opportunity to live in freedom in this nation?  YES – give thanks!

People will hurt people – there is no doubt of that.  Psalm 118:9 says it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in men.  Everyone makes mistakes and many carry regrets…we do – and the people we interact with do.  But what is important is what we do once we realize that we have made mistakes or that we do have regrets…and with that realization, we have the opportunity to try and make things better.  Do we have the courage to take that step…because it does take courage.  You could be rejected. You could be ignored. You could be…  But so what?  Are you any worse than when you started?  No – in fact, you now understand that the other party has issues too…and you don’t have to fix those…just cover them in prayer, grace and mercy…because that is what God does for US every day…and then you walk away and let go of the heavy baggae of bitterness/resentment and you try hard to be mindful, peaceful and joy-filled and to be a person of integrity…because God is good – all the time…and if we trust that, then we really are okay…no matter what.

This lady was such an incredible example of grace, mercy and how we go through hardships so we can fulfill our Godly purpose with wisdom and compassion.  I think she is one of my new heroes…

Until tomorrow...
Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 19

Why does it feel so bad when you haven't done anything wrong against someone but through a strange turn of events, you end up the bad guy? The truth is that you both contributed to the situation...but now - in what feels like "all of a sudden" - you are the bigger contributor of yuck...  Now what?  And no…I’m not talking about my coworker!

I am trying so hard to love the other person as I love myself but that is so very hard when you're trying not to be resentful. I'm trying to find my way to peace but all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself. Yesterday I was grumpy just because...  Today I’m sad and desperate for the Lord to wash the yuck away.

What an interesting start to today.  

I actually wrote the top part while waiting for an 8 o’clock meeting this morning.  I thought my day would just continue on in a blah kind of manner but I’m happy to report that it didn’t!  I should have known it would get better as our meeting was happening in a very beautiful little round chapel of a church…and any time you draw near to the Lord, He draws nearer to you.

I met with someone to discuss a continuing partnership between nonprofits…but there was something going on with that person…I could see it.  And so as we as we talked, I asked what was going on and I found out that they were attempting – yet again – to quit smoking and chewing tobacco but they were having a hard time.  They also shared that health issues were spurring this decision on.  I could see the difficulty of it all in the eyes…and I knew they thought I didn’t understand as I don’t struggle with addiction issues…but I do understand.  You don’t have to have an “addiction” to stumble in knowing who you are in the Lord.

I shared that one of the biggest lies that believers have fallen into is thinking they are sinners saved by grace.  That might have been true before we were saved…but once you give your life to Christ, are baptized and raised again…we are new creations and the righteousness of Christ.  We are no longer bound to sin and no longer bound into making sinful choices…but we just have such a hard time believing that.  It is so much easier to think we are sinners saved by grace because then when we mess up, we justify ourselves by saying “well, I’m a sinner! What do you expect?!”  But that isn’t the truth…and I think our life’s journey is to truly understand…to truly internalize…who we are in God.  If you believe, then listen to what the word of God says:

2 Corinthians 5:17 says: therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

1 Corinthians 6:17 says: but he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 3:16 says: we are God’s temple and God’s spirit lives in us.

Philippians 3:20 says that our citizenship is in heaven. 

2 Timothy says: for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

1 John 5:18 (NLT) says: we know that God’s children do not keep on sinning, for God’s Son holds them securely, and the evil one cannot touch them.

Then the real kicker…  We need to ask if as “believers” we really believe.  Do we truly believe in God?  Because if we do, then we really need to believe in His Word.  And if we do that, we need to believe Hebrews 4:12 – for the word of God is alive and powerful. And then what excuse do we have?

I think it is rare when God just zaps someone in the behind and they are “cured” of all sinful behavior…but I think that is why Paul instructs us in Romans 12:2 to not be conformed to the pattern of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.  And how do we renew our mind?  By reading His Word and understanding what He says, what He promises, and most importantly, who we are in Him.

Does any of this make sense? 

If we believe, if we read the Word, if we begin to understand the powerful Presence that lives within us, we begin to rely less and less on ourselves and more and more one Him.  I can’t stop making bad choices by myself…but if I read and understand those passages above, then more and more, when I’m tempted to do something or say something that I know I shouldn’t, it becomes easier and easier to choose not to go there.  I don’t have to be that miserable, critical, unhappy, suspicious malcontent anymore…  I have the power to choose life, peace, joy, kindness, forgiveness, mercy, compassion…all the fruits of the spirit.  It boils down to a choice…perhaps not an easy one…but a choice nonetheless.  Are we going to trust Him that if we’re having a tough time He can help us through?  Are we going to trust Him with our lives?  Are we going to give ourselves fully to Him?  He did after all pay a hefty price for us…  Or are we going to continue to struggle on our own?  I guess we all need to answer the question: are we happy with where we’re at – with our relationships, with our “fruit”?  If we are – then what a gift.  But if you know that there is room for improvement…then why not try it His way?

As my friend and I spoke of things such as these, I felt myself lighten in spirit.  I am a princess after all!  I am a citizen of heaven with a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline inside of me.  Am I going to carry myself as such?  I chose “yes” today…tomorrow will tell for itself…but for today, “yes!” 

My day has been pretty good…actually pretty great.  It is amazing what a little change in perspective can do… 

Until tomorrow…

Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 18

Do you ever have those days where you wake up and you already ready for it to be bedtime again?  Well - that was me today.  I woke up grumpy and not wanting to do anything but go back to bed.  I wasn't angry per say...I just felt blah.

I thought about the Christmas spirit and I thought about doing something thoughtful for someone.  And then I thought, "Ahhh!" I thought about all the sweet comments I've received about the blog and how people enjoy reading it and how it's helpful...then I thought about how behind I was in posting.  And then I thought, "Ahhhh!"  I was completely unmotivated. 

I got to work and got sucked into the vortex of busy...and my day went by without my having even left for lunch.  And I thought, "Ahhh!'

I got in the car with those wonderful San Antonio drivers and then it hit me that even though I was feeling apathetic, I could be nice while driving.  I let a record number of six people get in front of me...without honking, yelling or even looking mean at someone.  At a red light, a lady in a red Toyota Corolla caught my attention.  She was wiping the inside of her windshield like the dickens.  She would wipe, wipe, wipe...stop and look.  Wipe, wipe, wipe...stop...spray the outside and let the wipers wipe for a while...then wipe, wipe, wipe the inside again.  From where I was sitting, it looked pretty darn clean.  So I prayed for her to have peace and that the Lord's favor be upon her...and that He help her get whatever she thought was on her windshield off - for good!

And that is all I did today...it was all I had in me.  I think it's okay.  I didn't go postal on someone.  I didn't yell at anyone.  I was just okay...and I'm okay with that.

Until tomorrow...
Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 17

Today, the Christmas spirit came to me through my husband and oldest boy.  It is Monday – the MLK holiday for most.  I went in to work half the day and I guess while I was away the boys decided they were going to do something nice for me.  I actually don’t think it went down quite like that at all…but that’s what they told me.

You see, it’s not that they are incapable of being nice.  They are VERY capable of being nice and actually are about 97% of the time.  However, my theory is that they set out to conquer the kitchen…and although I was quite nervous about it…they did a great job!

So you understand why I have my theory, and why I was nervous, I will explain.  Try not to laugh too hard!

My husband is no gourmet cook.  He is an excellent handyman.  He is incredibly thoughtful…even when buying presents.  He listens and even tells me what’s going on inside.  He is tough, strong, handsome…with just the right amount of sentimentality…but a cook?  Not by a long shot.  This is a man who when we first began to date made me dinner:  a tuna sandwich with some mac and cheese from a box…with some cinnamon added in because he knew I liked “different” food.  I gave him an “A” for effort…but the taste of Kraft mac and cheese with cinnamon…not so much.  After we had been married for a couple of years, he came into the kitchen to “help” again and somehow broke a few laws of nature…or maybe created a few new laws for nature.  This is a man who took a small plastic bowl, put about a cup of fresh spinach in it, covered it with plastic wrap and put it in the microwave – I am NOT kidding here – for a full ten minutes to “wilt” the spinach.  I was completely unaware of what he had done until I heard this strange noise emitting from the microwave…and I turn to see electric sparks shooting all over inside!!

Plastic + spinach should not equal electric sparks…but somehow, he managed it.  My theory is that the spinach got so hot that the iron inside of the leaves started reacting with the microwave.  Needless to say, he stayed out of the kitchen for a while.

So…this is why I feel like he set out to conquer the kitchen…  He has been collecting these recipes from Men’s Health magazine.  He has put them in a binder and periodically looks at them…but that’s it.  Then yesterday…he whipped that binder out and guess what?  He conquered the kitchen!!!

Here is a picture of him and his recipe:

And here is evidence of another amazing thing he accomplished...he got DYLAN to help him!!

And after about an hour...with me keeping a watchful eye...this is what went into the oven:

And the reason there is no picture of it after it was cooked is because it smelled SO good and we were so hungry...that we pretty much gobbled it up!  It was delicious!!!  It was a pork tenderloin stuffed with a ricotta cheese mixture containing basil, artichokes hearts and spinach with a side of olive oil roasted asparagas. YUM-O!!!  Maybe they got lucky...but as this is about sharing the Christmas spirit, I will cover them with grace and say they are on their way to their own cooking show!  Lucky me!

So now when he says he wants to cook...I will let him and not be afraid.  I love my husband...and am blessed I can add "cook" to his list of great attributes! 

Until tomorrow...
Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 16

It is funny how Life imitated life today…well – at least it was an ideal representation of how things should be.  After breakfast, we decided to play a board game as the weather has been wet and dreary.  The oldest children chose Life and so we set it up and began playing.  To go to college (and get in debt) in the hopes of getting a killer career and paycheck…or just begin on a career path?  Two of us chose careers…and the other two chose college…and off we went.  After a while, it became evident that Bird was in trouble.  No matter how hard she tried, she kept getting in more and more debt.  Although she attended college, she ended up with a mediocre career and only $30K as a salary…and life kept happening to her.  College debt – check.  Pay taxes but don’t have the money – take out a loan.  Land on a square that says you have to pay to repair your car…and more loans, more debt.  She wasn’t doing anything wrong…it was just life.  I give her kudos for not decking her brother who kept making fun of her; she just kind of chugged along hoping things would get better.

My husband – the other college graduate – became a doctor and got the prized $100K salary.  He saw what was going on…but didn’t do anything.  And my oldest…he just chugged along, too, happy to not be drowning and generally making people upset with his rude and antagonistic comments.  And I…I didn’t go to college but ended up with a nice career…and every time someone spun and it landed on the line, they had to pay me $50K to “fix” it as I was the computer tech.  I started to make pretty good money and so I shared my bounty.  I paid off about half of Birdie’s debt and bought some stock.  I wasn’t saying much of anything even when my husband and son made snarky remarks…but Birdie – she was very grateful.  And at the end of it all…did the college graduate win with his $100K salary?  No.  Did the schmucky antagonistic tween cruising along happy to just exist win?  No.  I won…and Birdie almost beat her Dad.  When we counted up our money and I won, they were incredulous.  “But you gave all that money away!!??”  “I know…God is good.”  “But, but…”  “I don’t know how I did it D…maybe it’s a hint for your future.”  “Aw, Mom…you’re a dork!!”  Maybe I am a dork…but I’m a dork that won!!  Hey, look – I’m not trying to be preachy about anything…  I’m just commenting on some things that caught my attention.

Anyhow – today was Mystic Park day and I was excited to go see our new friends.  It is amazing how over and over again, good begets good.  My husband took me on a date that wasn’t just focused on us but on making other people feel good and listened to.  So then I blog about that experience and a friend of mine gets inspired to help the old folks.  When we get to church, she had this huge bag of Bingo prizes to give to us.  We walk in and another lady hands me $20 so Pat and I can go shopping for more and says she’d like to start coming with us to the center.  While at church, some random lady off the street comes into church and swipes our pastor’s wife’s coat.  Although the wife could have insisted on getting it back, she kind of felt that the woman may have needed the coat more than she did.  I hear of this and use a gift card to buy another coat for her…and on and on.  The concept of pay it forward really works!  When you participate in making a special gesture purely for the benefit of someone else, something happens inside of you.  You get this lightness of spirit…this feeling that the world is okay.  Am I making sense?

Anyhow, we packaged up 20 Bingo prizes and we headed out with our youngest who is five.  We had to explain to Liam that he had the power to scare these old people so he had to remember to be gentle with his voice and slow with his ninja moves.  He seemed very interested in this adventure we were taking him on. When we walked in, people seemed to recognize us and were just a tad bit friendlier.  Then again, maybe they were taken with Liam as they positively stared at him with smiles on their faces.  We encouraged Liam to greet as many people as he could and the people reached out to him and shook his hand and asked for hugs…and Liam made us proud by obliging these friendly strangers.  I wish I could have caught him in a picture winking at me in delighted pleasure at all the joy he seemed to be inspiring. 

We walked into the Bingo room and were glad to see Ms. Pauline who was sitting with a new group of people.  I greeted Ms. McCee (haha – not Mickey!) who was sitting at a table with the before unknown man who shared his name is Mr. Eppy.  Even the grumpy lady was there with a new group of people.  I was sad that I didn’t see Ms. Helen Tezel but just as they were getting ready to start, she was wheeled in and placed at a table by herself.  Seems she had just woken up from a nap and she was going to have a cup of coffee and a banana.  After greeting her with hugs and smiles, I got called away to help a new lady and left Liam with Pat.  Pat ended up sitting with Ms. Grumpy-Pants and Liam…well Liam got to sit with Ms. Helen…alone…at their own table.  I must admit I was a bit nervous as I was across the room and Pat was a couple of tables away but Liam behaved like a champ…and so did Ms. Helen!  I worried he would bother her.  I worried he would talk when she was trying to hear for the numbers.  I thought she would prefer to have him away from her…but guess what?  I couldn’t have been more wrong!

During a very short break in the gameplay, I went over to make sure they were both okay.  Liam was telling her a story about his superhero figurine and Ms. Helen was listening very attentively and smiling.  Liam then started to place her Bingo chips in a random design all over the table and when I told him to leave them alone as Ms. Helen needed them for the game, she very politely told me to leave them alone as they were fine.  Alrighty, then!  I left the two new friends alone. 

When Bingo was over, Ms. Helen said she wanted to be Liam’s grandma and that he could call her grandma.  We asked Liam if he would like this and he smiled really big.  We told her we would be back…with Liam…and as we walked away, Liam turned back to give her a hug.  I’m not sure what all happened between those two…it was very touching.

Maybe that is yet another reason why we should be like children.  Liam really didn’t see anything “weird” or intimidating about Ms. Helen despite the fact she was in a wheel chair and filled with wrinkles.  He didn’t care that they had never met before.  He didn’t worry about whether he would say something clever or interesting…or even offensive for that matter.  He was just himself and engaged her the way he knows how…with simple stories and asking her what she thought about his comments.  He wasn’t afraid to just “be” with her as sometimes when I would look over their way, he was playing with his figurine as Ms. Helen watched not even paying attention to the numbers being called out.  It was as though they were just comfortable to be next to each other breathing the same air for a bit.

When I grow up, I want to be just like Liam…

Until tomorrow…

Annie