On the Eve of the Maiden Voyage

So these past two weeks have been incredibly tough for many reasons...but the biggest two have been exhaustion and the f act that a cold morphed into a beast.  I have been going off of adrenaline and this huge sense to get the house ready for market...feeling like I just can't quite get everything done that needs to get done...most especially spending any quality time with the kiddos.  A nice blessing, though...every bit in the sense of Christmas 365...these two neighbors of mine, Heather and Lori, have been like angels on a mercy mission.  Without ever having asked them for help, they have shown up pretty much every day this past week to paint and clean alongside me...and there is no way that this house could have been as ready as it is without their help.  Thank you, Lord...and thank you Lori and Heather!

But tonight...so many things have come together...and now we are in the brink of our first journey to Alaska.

We have met with two realtors and will be making a decision soon as to who we will hire.  The house is looking good and very near being ready to list.  The children are spending this next week with their grandparents.  We are packed and ready...  In the morning, Heather will drop us off at the airport where we will fly to Dallas...and then on to Anchorage for our house-hunting trip.  We will arrive on the summer solstice...the day the sun will rise at 4:20 a.m. and set at 11:42 p.m. 

I have heard so many stories...from the scary to the fantastical...and everything in between...and tomorrow we will personally set foot in this new, incredible place often described as the last, true frontier in America...the place that will be home for a few years.  Am I excited?  I don't know what I am.  I am going with an open mind...and I will share with you all as this adventure unfolds.

Look for pictures!  

Adrenaline, Angels and Favor

I know that many people have gone before me in terms of having to moving quickly and drastically from place to place.  I have heard stories, many of them, and from most - they are still alive to tell the tale...so I know I will survive, too.  Can I just say that this is hard?

Everything seems to be happening so fast and yet things are getting done...but it is exhausting and my body isn't cooperating.  For example, as I write this, it is 5:49 a.m. and I have been awake since 5:11 a.m. after having gone to bed a bit past midnight...and I have this crazy amount of adrenaline coursing through my body.  Yesterday, I awoke at 6:17 a.m...after having gone to bed late...and I just can't seem to stop that darn adrenaline.  This has been the pattern since about last Sunday.  Long, work-intensive days followed by very little sleep. 

It is no doubt a case of fight or flight...and in my case - the answer is "yes" to both.

So, so many loose ends to tie up.  So, so many details I cannot overlook.  So I live by lists.  And in the midst of it all, God sends His angels to watch over me and my family.  Thank you, Lord.

It started the first day Pat was in Washington, D.C. when my neighbor, Heather, let herself into my home while I was at work to help me finish painting my kitchen cabinets.  She repeated this pattern last week.  She would go for a walk in the morning and then let herself into my home to help me clean and prep the surfaces that need paint.  I have confirmation from her that she will be my helping this coming week as well.  I never asked her for this help - she just stepped in because she knows I need help - and can I say how much I appreciate her?

Then there is my other neighbor, Jeannette, who despite the fact she has four children of her own, stepped in and offered to pick up Liam from preschool last week when I had three kids in three camps while working full-time and trying to get my daughter to a swim meet by 5 p.m.  Jeannette is notorious for being there when someone needs help...and she, too, just quietly swoops in and just helps in any way she can.  She is a calming force of goodness...and I'm grateful to her.

Lauren came and spent some time with me while Pat was gone and I was an angry, overwhelmed thing.  I really felt out of control...and so she came and was just company...and I so needed to know that I wasn't alone and that things truly would be okay...and she did that for me.

Then I will throw a shout-out to Greg and Emily, longtime friends, who know that Pat and I don't have a lot of time to spend with the children because we are working so intensely to get the house sale-ready...so they come pick up the children so the children can have fun...and then they offer us dinner yesterday and it is such a HUGE blessing not to have to worry about dinner for my family.  The food was fantastic, the conversation better...and they offered us lunch today...and dinner this next coming week if we will just call to let them know we'd like to come over...and please...don't worry about anything they say.  Wow.

Our other friend Christie is coming over today to escort the children to our neighborhood pool...and so many others have offered help.  To me - they are all angels and I need every one of them.

So despite the crazy, frenetic, slightly overwhelming state of being - I know God is near.  During this time, I have also experienced extreme instances of favor that make me smile and say, Thank you, Lord.  My favorite one invloved my wanting to get a haircut at the Aveda Institute.  I called to make an appointment on Thursday knowing that it was such short notice that I probably wouldn't get in to a senior stylist for a while.  After discussing options with the receptionist, I was disconnected and as I was going into a meeting, I couldn't call back until later in the afternoon.  So I called and yes - I couldn't get in with a senior...or a junior for a while but they had plenty of sophomore stylists.  So I think - well, it's Aveda and they are all highly trained so sure, let's go with a sophomore.  As the young lady is scheduling me, she informs me that she has scheduled me with a senior as a cancellation just came in.  YAY!  I now have a haircut that I love.  Thank you, Lord! 

I know that last is rather a petty example...but to me - it lets me know that what is important to me is important to the Lord...and so I feel that here and there, He let's me know He's watching out for me and my family.  

I'm going to sign off now as I need to add to my to-do list as I have remembered some other things I don't want to forget...plus I really, really need some coffee.

I've been asked if I am excited by the upcoming move...and the truth is, I haven't really had a chance to catch my breath much less process the magnitude of the change that is coming.  I am just putting one foot in front of the other and working through my to-do lists...but I can say that through this all...I am excited to be loved and taken care of by my friends...I appreciate them...I love them...and I'm grateful for being alive at such a time as this so I can use Facebook to remain close to them!!  :)

A Day of Reflection

I have decided not to tack numbers to this adventure as it will just be one more thing to keep track of...and right now - there are many, many things to keep track of.  Pat leaves tomorrow morning for a week's worth of training in Washington DC and I will remain behind with the three children.  I know we will be okay.

Today, Pat power washed the outside of our home (it looks like it got a new paint job - who knew?!) and I worked on getting the kitchen clean. 

As I purge our home of superfluous stuff - dishes, candles, dust and grime...I feel my soul getting lighter...and freer...  And then the thoughtfulness begins.

Dylan and I run out to Lowe's for some supplies I'll need while Pat is away.  We get two gallons of paint, some brushes and caulk.  We laugh.  We talk about reinventing ourselves.  We talk about how surreal it all is.  We pick up a Chinese feast for dinner and meet Pat and Liam at the pool as it is definitely quitting time.  Lilly is at a sleepover party so it's just me and my boys.

After we eat, I watch the three play in the water.  I don't get in because I don't have my suit on.  So I lay on the bench and watch them.  I try to say goodbye to the soft twilight breeze.  I try to say goodbye to the neighborhood pool.  As I feel the gentle warmth of the breeze blow through my hair, I close my eyes and try to hold on to that feeling...the physical touch of warm breeze.  And I think about how fitting Natasha Bedingfield's song, "Unwritten" is.  Here are some of the beginning  lyrics for those of you that don't know it:

I am unwritten

Can't read my mind,

I'm undefined.

I'm just beginning,

pen in my hand,

ending unplanned.

How appropriate is that?!  That is how I have to think about this whole big thing.  It is - ending unplanned...  The only thing I can plan for is the time that I have remaining in my home state...because once I board that plane with my family in six weeks...I have no point of reference for what awaits. None.

So after a while, I go home and get my suit on and swim with the boys.  Why not, I ask myself?  It's not like we will be able to enjoy a neighborhood pool in a few weeks.  After a while, we decide to go for a treat to get mini blizzards at Dairy Queen.  We drive with the windows rolled all the way down and the sunroof open.  We listen to good tunes as the boys laugh in the back seat.  I close my eyes and think, "Goodbye Dairy Queen."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really melancholy although I have a feeling that you might get that impression.  I'm really not.  I'm just trying to explain what's in my heart.  The process of thoroughly and 150% enjoying those things that will not be in a few weeks...just like the sweet and wonderful watermelon our neighbor brought by.  Yes - I am determined to gorge myself on sweet Texas watermelon as that will go by the way of snow cones in Alaska...rare.

I will end now to help Pat pack...and to spend some time with him.

Until next time... 

Christmas 365 Changes to a New Adventure (Alaska - Day 1)

It has been a very long time since I have written.  Christmas 365 turned out to be an incredibly difficult undertaking to say the least as living with intention when working full-time and parenting full-time and running a house full-time is also part of your life.  I have still tried to live with intention...but I have a confession to make.

Early this year, I was diagnosed with what the doctors believed to be benign tumors...which really freaked me out because I had some removed in the Fall.  And the doctors thought they were benign but there is never a guarantee until you have the growths removed.  I went into an introspective mode and had many conversations with God.  About life...about healing...about feeling unworthy of good things.  So I didn't blog...because I went into a "me" mode and it's hard to think about others when you're thinking about yourself, you know?

Then one day I heard in my brain that I was healed of those growths and although I disbelieved what I heard...it came to pass anyway.  And so began this weird need/desire to trust in the Lord and to really understand what that means...not just in theory...but in real-life application.  If I believed in God...how could I not believe in everything that He stands for in His word?

Not too much later - Pat opened up a discussion about applying for a promotion position called a Hearing Office Director (HOD)...with the caveat that we would probably have to move to "anywhere USA" if he got this job...  So I agreed that he should look and apply...and so he did.

One day he lets me know that a HOD position is available in Anchorage, Alaska and what do I think about this.  At first blush - I get very excited.  I think it would be a great adventure and opportunity for our family.  I think it would be great to get the heck out of dodge and go see some new sights.  I think it is the perfect time considering the children's ages.  I think he should absolutely try...and so he does.  And throughout the whole process - we both feel really good within our spirits that this is right and proper...that we will indeed move and that this is what the Lord wants for us.  We talk to the children and they are equally excited...and everything is peachy.  So Pat applies and a week later he gets notice that he has made "the best qualified list" which means he qualifies for the job and is in the running for it.  We smile...  Then about two weeks later, he gets a call for an interview...and we smile.  He knocks the interview out of the ballpark and I think, "how can he not get the job?  He's the best!  He is the most qualified!  They just couldn't pass him up!"

And then the waiting began in earnest to see if it would come to pass.  Meanwhile our oldest child is convinced that we are going...and Pat and I still feel really good about it...but none of it was really real...until today.

Today we got word that they have offered him the position...and he accepted...and so within about six short weeks, we will be gone...  Gone to a new environment, a new home...new food...new people...and a new way of life.  And now I'm not so sure about things but it is too late.  And so to make this all bearable and to not feel so lonely for everything that I know...I want to bring you guys into this journey.

Will you come to Alaska with me?

I'm tired and overwhelmed right now.  We need to get our home ready to sell.  That is A LOT of work!  I need to give notice at my job and reconcile the million details on my plate there...and that is A LOT of work.  Pat is leaving this Sunday for two weeks of training and I will be alone with the three kids as I'm trying to sort through things...and that is A LOT of work.  I feel the need to research Anchorage neighborhoods and schools and possible places to live - oh, yeah - and work (!)...and that is A LOT of work.  Then I feel my tired body and I just want to sleep.

I know things will work out better than I expect - because I know that I know that God is all over this.  But for now I'm just tired.  Tomorrow is another day...and I just want to know that I will continue to have this link with my friends and family even if I happen to be writing 4500 miles away from everyone.

I think this will truly be the adventure of a lifetime!    Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 56 (Feb 25) to Day 60 (Mar 2)

I got back on track...and then I fell off again as I got some rather shocking news on Friday.   Last August, I had a simple cyst removed from an ovary that ended up being a benign tumor.  After getting the pathology report on my follow-up, I was very, very glad that the ordeal was over and I was healthy.  This remained the case until late in December when I began experiencing pain again in the same general area…  After several weeks, I went back to the doctor…and discovered that the “cyst” had returned.  The doctor and I decided that we would take a wait-and-see approach and have a follow up sonogram in six weeks.  That day was last Friday…and the sonogram showed that not only had the growth not gone away, but it had grown rather quickly in a short amount of time.   It has an irregular shape with two “bubbles” inside of it.  The doctor doesn’t feel it has the look of a malignancy but she is of the opinion that we should take out the entire ovary as this is a repeating problem.  Was just SO not expecting this.  I cried.  I called my husband.  I went home in a bit of a daze.

Let me explain a bit…

1.      I am an absolute freak about my health after having watched my Mom die of cancer.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a super-freak in that I exercise like a maniac and watch every molecule that I put into my mouth…but I do like to be aware of my health and take steps to assure it continues to be good.

2.      I have small children yet to raise and I’m not ready to have something potentially threaten that.

3.      I absolutely love life and being present in the moment.

Now I could get into an existential discussion right about now…but that is really not the point I would like to make with this post.  Instead, I want to discuss a statement from an incredible movie called “To Save A Life.”  It isn’t a well-known movie and yet the story is wonderful and towards the very end, one of the characters says, “Life is a journey…but it’s more than the destination…it’s about transformation.”  And when I heard that, it really made me think.

Our whole purpose in life, whether we get it or not, is to transform from selfish, self-centered creatures to people that are holy and giving…no matter what the circumstances being faced.  This can have many different facets…

God is so good!!  I stopped writing the above last night because I couldn't really verbalize what was in my mind...and Pat was watching some special ops show that was very distracting.  As I was going to bed, I felt the opportunity to feel great anxiety over the unknown mass growing in my tummy...but I told myself, no - I'm not going to think scary thoughts and instead, I want to focus on talking to God on how this all works...how illness and healing occur...and I didn't get very far because I felt a soothing calmness overtake me and I feel asleep...no nightmares, no scary thoughts...nothing but refreshing sleep.

This morning I woke up and prayed...and went about my business.  As I was waiting for the shower water to warm up, I picked up the book, "Attitudes of Gratitude," and opened it to a random page...that explained exactly what was in my heart that I couldn't verbalize.  SO - here is what M. J. Ryan wrote:

LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN BLESSINGS OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
Quote by Wayne Muller: Some people once brought a blind man to Jesus and asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned - this man or his parents - that he was born blind?" They all wanted to know why this terrible curse had fallen on this man.  And Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the words of God might be manifest in him." He told them not to look for why suffering came but to listen for what the suffering could teach them.

      Gratitude is an all-out experience. It's cheating to be grateful only for the good things that happen and to shun the bad. This isn't to saw that we want bad things to happen to us, just that if we can be grateful for the soul-lessons inherent in the difficulties that befall us, then our souls will be able to grow and mature. Otherwise, we never progress, because we fail to use the hardships that dog us to become more loving, more patient, more present, more kind.
      The people whom I admire most in the world say without reservation that the hardest things they had to face - cancer, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, or job loss - had been their greatest teachers and that they were grateful for the lessons.  For me it has been dealing with chronic pain.
      When I was a senior in college I hurt my back. It was the first time my body betrayed me. Until then, I always considered it just a handy container to take my mind where I wanted it to go. But suddenly I couldn't move, and I had to pay attention to it. Eventually I spent over a year in bed.
      It's been twenty years since then, and my back continues to be one of my greatest teachers. I've learned a lot of patience (a hard lesson for me!) and impermanence (just because it hurts like hell today doesn't mean it will tomorrow). I've learned the value of physical discipline ("No time to do those boring back exercises?" my body says. "I'll show you!"). I've learned that I can't push myself beyond limits that I still don't recognize until after I've exceeded them.  That even doing everything "right" is no guarantee I'll be free from pain. I've learned to let go of my wanting it to be better, and I've learned how much I still exist even if I am able to do absolutely nothing. Now, in theory, I could have learned those things some other way, and perhaps I might have. But the truth of my life is that I have learned them through chronic pain - and I'm grateful for the lessons, if not for the pain.
      Right now, write down the ten hardest or most terrible things that ever happened to you.  As you look over the list, can you see the gifts that each of them brought?
      Metaphysical teacher Daniel T. Peralta suggests that when you are suffering from some difficulty whose blessing is invisible to you, you say the following prayer: "I am willing to see the gift in this experience. May the lessons be revealed to me and may I become stronger and clearer."


Life is a journey...but not about the destination...but rather the transformation.  For the remainder of last Friday, Saturday and Sunday - I felt odd...slightly depressed, slightly anxious...and not focused on the things that matter.  The thing in my tummy is going to grow or shrink regardless of what I'm thinking...or doing...so why not embrace the good around me.  If there is one thing that is certain in life it's that you never get any time back.  As my children ran around and laughed and played, as my husband thoughtfully tried to give me space and serve me as best he could...as the breeze blew outside and the sun came out to play...my focus was entirely elsewhere.  Why?  Because I have some bubble on my ovary?  Life is precious...and I believe that in focusing on the things that matter most - children, spouse, friends...relationships - then no matter what, there will be no regrets because you will know that you know you have truly lived life to the fullest. 

The lesson for me seems to be that the more I want to cling to life...the more I am reminded that it is but a short journey in the grand scheme of things...and at some appointed time, my spirit will exist in another realm.  In my heart - I want to learn and transform as much as possible in reflecting less of me and more of Jesus...because there is no one that has ever existed that was/is more beautiful, loving, merciful and compassionate than Him.  I think this bump on my ovary is a lovely reminder that things will happen to my physical body...but life truly marches on...and I for one don't want to miss the parade!

Until tomorrow (or sometime soon!)...    Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 55 (Feb 24)

After whining for a bit yesterday, I'm back on track and pray I will not fall so far behind again if I even just write a short snippet every day.

This morning I drove to Austin to attend a press conference in which Texas Senator Watson and Texas House Rep Naishtat announced legislation that will benefit the homeless.  The press conference was held at a place called Caritas of Austin - an agency that works with the homeless and as I arrived, I realized that I was in the midst of several nonprofits that work with the homeless because the parking lot I parked at was surrounded by them.   I decided that I would do the same thing I do when I go into a place where the marginalized are at - that I would make eye contact, smile, say hello and ask them how they were doing and if they seemed amenable, to talk and maybe pray with them.  These things are all possible with the homeless population that we work with in San Antonio...but it was very different in Austin. 

The homeless that I ran across would not make eye contact and very few would say hello back. Of the ones that would say hello, they just said hello and looked away quickly.  I probably looked like a fish out of water as I was wearing a suit and looked pretty good if I say so myself...but that is exactly what was surprising because I thought they would have flocked to me to see how many dollars or coins they could get out if me...but they didn't.

Hmmmm..... Very interesting indeed....

Even after the press conference was over and I walked out to my car, I didn't see anyone that I could connect to.  These folks seemed really broken in spirit...and I wasn't sure how to reach out to them that would be mutually satisfying.  So I got in my car and left Austin...and the whole way back to San Antonio, I pondered their broken spirits as surely that cannot be what God wants for His children. 

I understand that we live in a broken world that is populated by broken people that sometimes do really awful things to each other...because either that is all they know and they truly are, in their own way, doing the best they can...or they have something gone wrong and doing evil things brings them a feeling of power and/or satisfaction.  It was never meant to be that way...but humans seem to be easily corruptible…and before you know it, people are hurt and begin hurting others…and on and on and on…

I know for many people it is hard to believe that God is in the midst of all this…and I simply don’t have the time right now to go deep into an argument of why I believe and just know deep in my spirit that this is true.  But I know that I know that this was never meant to be…and so now the question becomes, what can we do?  There are many things that we can do and as I’ve written before – the easiest way to change the world is to convince more and more people to lead the way into a loving way of relating to each other…and we do this by being examples of love, mercy and forgiveness within our circles of influence.  But doing that can be really, really hard…especially when people just annoy the heck out of you…  Sooooo – I think now that the first step is to know, to really, really know who we are in Christ.  Here is what the Word says about us:

·         I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, BUT Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20)

·         There is no better example of faithful, merciful love than Jesus…and if He can endure terrible persecution and agonizing pain…and in the midst of it all say, “Abba – forgive them for they know not what they do,” AND He live IN us…then yes, we, too, can let Him flow through us so that we, too, can be amazing examples of the Father’s love

·         The Son has set me free. I am free indeed! (John 8:36)

·         We are bound to sin only in as much as we come into agreement with it. 

·         My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. (1 Corinthians 6:19)

·         I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

·         He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)

·         There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)

·         Nothing can ever separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:38-39)

·         In all things God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)

·         God is faithful. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

·         God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

·         My light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Corinthians 4:17)

·         He is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within me. (Ephesians 3:20)

·         God is for me! Who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)

If we internalize these truths…  If we begin to let go of ourselves and allow Him to lead us…  If we give up the illusion of control…  If we rejoice each and every day for our blessings and gifts…and opportunities that come our way…  Then we will change…and when we change, we will impact those around us to change…  And then things will begin to get better…one person at a time.  But we must ALL believe this…  I do.  I believe it.  Do you?

 So tomorrow, I have a plan again for a special Christmas gift.  I pray it will come to pass!  Also, on a different note, most of you might have read about my garden... and I just want to share the update that my garden is showing signs of life as evidenced below!

Picture of back left corner of garden... 
It's very, very dead looking but...

If you look closely, there is evidence of life! 

And although I will not be able to post this until tonight, I'm writing in the early evening and my family is playing basketball without me during this beautiful spring-ish day...so I gotta go...

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 45 (Feb 14) to Day 54 (Feb 23)

I’m going to whine for a little bit.  My life has exploded and I have become very, very busy.  I have many different projects brewing at work and more and more opportunities are coming my way that I must develop.  At home, there is hardly time for anything selfish like blogging…plus we have been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional stuff that just seems to drain the energy away.  My immediate family is wonderfully good, thank God…but God is shifting us into another season and as such, we have had to say good-bye to certain things…and good-byes are never an easy thing to deal with.

Despite these issues, the Christmas spirit has been operating.  On Valentines, two thoughtful things happened.  One my doing and the other not.  I baked brownies for our surrounding neighbors.  I cut them into bite-size squares and placed them within mini cupcake liners – half double chocolate and the other half German chocolate.  They were much appreciated!   Then Pat surprised me by arranging for a babysitter so he and I could go to dinner.  This was a surprise because we always celebrate an un-Valentines Valentine.  Regardless – it was nice.  We went to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant close to home called Aladin’s Grill where you can have some very yummy Mediterranean food.  We were the only ones there other than the family that owns the restaurant.  They were all sitting together at a table sharing a meal, laughing and talking about love.  The children were giggling and the adults were smiling and it was wonderful to watch.  The service was great and everything was lovely and then as Pat and I were finishing our meal, the Mom (our waitress/hostess) came over with two small plates containing some orange cake she had baked, a chocolate bonbon and a chocolate candy that she had served from her family’s table.   I don’t know why that brought tears to my eyes.  I was so happy and grateful for such a tiny gesture…but that she would be thoughtful enough to slice some cake and arrange it with some candies for us…so that we could be part of their celebration, too…  The children, grandparents and friends watched her…and they watched our happy reaction…and it was totally the Christmas spirit operating on Valentine’s…  It was simply beautiful.

Then - amidst other tiny, thoughtful things - last Friday stands out as special for the Christmas spirit.  I and three other friends were on our way to a ladies retreat and as we were zooming down IH-10 East, we passed an old man with white hair leaning down on a cane...he was off the access road and not walking...just leaning on his cane.  Only two of us saw him...and we quickly tried to figure out whether or not we should turn back and check on him as he clearly looked to be homeless.  After a couple of minutes, we decided to turn around and pass him to see if he looked to be in trouble.  As we approached him slowly, we realized that he looked very, very tired.  We passed him and pulled off to the side where he couldn't see us.  We talked about what we should do and we decided that we would pull together some cash and also offer him a ride...and that is what we did.  His name is Ken and he is 69 years old.  He only carries his cane and a Bible...and the odd thing about him is that he smelled of the earth instead of a more unpleasant aroma.  We gave him a ride to the next gas station which happened to have a restaurant.  He said he was on his way to Houston and he had been walking the Texas highways since he was 18 because his parents had died and he didn't know what else to do with himself.  We gave him the cash and offered to pray with him....and that was that.

Although I have engaged in other thoughtful things, those two are my favorites in this time that I haven't blogged.  Two days ago, during rush hour traffic, I found myself listening to worship music as I often do in the morning...and I was beating myself up about how I start things but have a hard time following through.  I was upset and stressed...and feeling inadequate and just thinking about negative things, real or perceived, about myself...and then it's funny how God can speak to you in songs.

The songs that played were all about how oftentimes He doesn't want us to DO anything for Him, He just wants us to spend time with Him...because He loves us...and thinks we are beautiful and interesting...and I began to cry because I realized that in my rushing around like a crazy chicken, oh-so-worried about not being able to get everything done...I was missing the point...

The point of the blog is to share my journey as I try to live the Christmas spirit every day...and a huge part of the Christmas spirit is joy...and when you stop experiencing joy because you feel you gotta just get it done...you are once again falling away from the Christmas spirit and living more like the world...and less like Jesus.

I'm glad He reminded me of those things...  I can stop beating myself up now...and stop feeling inadequate.  I am perfect in His sight...even with all my junk, He loves me...and all of you guys, too.  He wants us to walk alongside Him...and share our journeys with Him...when they are joyful...and most especially when they're tough.

If you are not experiencing joy in your life, I encourage you to take an inventory and see what the things are that are truly worth your time so that you can let go of those things that aren't.  It isn't always an easy process but I think the reward at the end is invaluable.  Maybe we need to let go of TV or the Internet or trashy books.  Perhaps we need to spend more time with our significant other or children or family or friends.  I don't know...  But I do know that within each of us live dreams and desires that we probably squash in favor of other things that in thoughtful consideration are probably not all that gratifying.

This blog is important to me...and I have to cut myself a break - that between a full-time job and a housefhold with young children, I may not get to blog every day as I desire...but I'm going to promise that I'm not giving up on this journey...because when I post a posting - it brings me great joy...and it's worth it to me as this is important in my life.

I pray you each find something just as gratifying that is uniquely yours and brings a smile to your face...that when you finish, you can think to yourself, "well done."

Until tomorrow (I hope!)....    Annie

Christmas 364 - Day 44 (Feb 13)

So I like to think that I have it all together...most of the time!  I seem to live and die by my calendar and I've become super detail-oriented and I can plan like nobody else!  However...I do have those moments when I really miss something big..like tonight...the eve of Valentine's Day...and no, it's not my hubby who would have been missing out but my baby boy...Liam.

I was going to blog about something else...but tonight made me realize the sacrifices parents make to ensure their kiddos don't feel the brunt of their having messed up (the parents...not the kid).  Not that all parents concern themselves with such things...but here, let me share my story and then I'll come back to that.

So at 10:31 p.m. as Pat was brushing his teeth and I was in bed looking at my calendar, I exclaimed, "OH, HOLY COW!!!!! Tomorrow is Valentines!!!!"  Pat said, "So?  We always have an un-Valentines Valentines."  I replied, "It's not you!!  Tomorrow is Liam's Valentines party...and not only did we not get the plates and juice boxes I signed him up for...I didn't even get him Valentines for his friends!!!!" 

The mad-dash began with figuring out who would go to the store.  We decided Pat should go.  Fifteen minutes after he leaves, I get a call.  "Yeah...this is bad.  HEB has totally been picked over.  So should I get him Handy Manny or Thomas the Train?"

Oh, my gosh!  What to do, what to do?! Although Liam liked Thomas once upon a time, I thought he might think it was too baby now...and Handy Manny - I don't think Liam even knows who he is.  Hmmmm.   Don't they have anything else? Like Cougars or something?"  "Nah...it's bad.  Oh, wait!  They have Sesame Street with Elmo and Big Bird."  "SOLD!!!  Get those and a bag of lollipops so we can tape them to the cards and not be so lame."

Pat shopped like a champ.  He got home and we not only set Liam up for success but we also got cards and chocolates for the older kids...and in the morning...no one would be the wiser.  Thank you, Jesus!

I must admit...I dream of being one of those put-together parents that actually make goodie-bags for their kids.  I dream of baking beautiful cupcakes with fantastic frosting swirls that would give Martha Stewart a run for her money.  But so far - those things are only dreams in my head.  But, in those manic moments of going from loser-parents to awesome-parents, it dawned on me.  My love for my children is deep indeed...because it isn't just for anyone that I would jump through those hoops for...at 10:30 p.m. after a long day.  Then - in may natural sap way, I thought of kiddos who wouldn't be so blessed...and that is where the thoughts about parents that don't go out on a limb for the kids came in.

I am very (VERY) passionate about children.  My heart often breaks when I think of the ones that are marginalized and hurting.  At work, I was asked if I thought that homelessness would ever end and I replied yes - if, and only IF, our communities are willing to join forces and activate as advocates for the children because that is where the answer lies.  I then asked the person to imagine a room full of three year-olds from the wealthiest of families to the poorest of families.  Dress them all the same and stick them in a room with some toys and what would you get?  Happy pandemonium is what you would get!  There would be very little distinction between the children.  They would laugh and run around squealing in glee.  You would have some criers...but I don't you would be able to tell which family they belonged to based on their cries.  But then you separate the children and place them back in their homes...and something happens to the poor ones.  How many times are they yelled at?  How many times are they told they are worthless?  How many times are they raped or molested?  How many times are the beaten?  And how many times does it take before that beautiful little spirit full of life and potential is crushed?  How many?  And we expect these children to not only go to school...but to do WELL!  Really?  Under the same conditions even now as adults - could WE do well?  Probably not...

For those of you that have an opportunity to be around children - your own or others - be patient and kind to them.  They are children and often don't have the sophistication to process information as we do.  They really don't get "it" - whatever "it" may be.  I'm ashamed to admit that there was a time I really believed my older two would do things to simply annoy me into distraction...and sometimes anger...but then something happened inside myself (thank God) and I began to realize that they are just being themselves and acting like children...and that it was MY job to learn how to handle their antics as an adult...and that meant not yelling back, not "stooping to their level" but rather patiently (and yes - sometimes sternly) redirecting them so that they could learn what is acceptable...and what isn't.  Maybe I'm preaching to the choir and you all are just brilliant peeps...but in case there is one of you out there like me...then take my word for it!  There is peace to be had...and better results...when you deal with them out of patience, love and wisdom.

If you see children out and about town, smile at them...let them know you see them...and if ever an opportunity comes where you can help one or more...take it.  If you don't - who will?

Until tomorrow....   Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 43 (Feb12)

Today I worked in my garden as it was the first warm day that I was at home and had some spare time.  What is thoughtful or mindful about that, you ask? What does gardening have anything to do with spreading the Christmas spirit?  Well…the way I see it, a garden yields beauty and gives endlessly of itself.  Right now, my garden doesn’t look much like a garden.  It is a beastly brown…all dead, bald branches and leafless masses.  But as I have been gardening for several years, I know that what my eyes see is an illusion of what is going on deep within the earth where little baby leaves and stems are making their slow ascent to the sun.  The Christmas spirit is embodied by hope and love and selflessness…and I cannot imagine a better place where these things are played out than a garden.

I don’t know how many of you reading this garden…but if you don’t, I encourage you to buy a pretty, potted plant and take care of it.  Water it…and watch for new little leaves to sprout up.  If you care for it, it will clean the air you breathe.  If you care for it, it will brighten your day.  If you care for it, the knowledge that you have kept something alive all by yourself is pretty neat!  I say the last because I believed myself to have a brown-thumb once upon a time…but over the years, that has changed…thank God!  I really believe that if you take care of a little plant…you will change…something happens…  I find in the presence of plants and nature in general, I slow down and breathe deeply…my eyes ever aware of any changes…  It happened to Pat, too…but his bit of heaven is the grass!  Yup – we’re officially yuppies!

Abram L. Urban said, “In my garden there is a large place for sentiment.  My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams. The thoughts grow freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful.”  And it is so true for me.  My garden is a place of rest despite the work that goes into keeping it alive.  It is a place where I am free to think and pray and plan and dream and feel unadulterated joy.  Unless I see some grub or bug or caterpillar eating my babies…then the war is on!  But you know, there is joy and satisfaction to be had there as well…even if I do feel a little guilty when I kill those suckers.

From my garden, I will gain peace.  From my garden, I will be able to brighten days as I share bouquets of flowers.  From my garden, I will get exercise and from my garden, we will get fruit and interesting birds and bugs to look at.  My children will have a nice place to play and dream and imagine.  The birds will sing to us.  The bees will buzz around in their lazy way when the heat is heavy and thick.  I guess if you can’t see the connection between a garden and the Christmas spirit…I cannot explain…you just have to live it…

From the picture below, you cannot see all the flowers that were blooming.  there were pink ones, blue ones, purple ones and red ones...and we had persimmons starting to turn their brilliant orange hanging from their branches.  Rosemary bushes and American lilac that are both fragrant plants and lantana flowers of all colors bursting forth...  It was truly amazing after our drought broke...  I'm ready to see all the brown turn into this spectacular palate...  I can't wait!!

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 42 (Feb 11)

Today I engaged in the gift of fun. You see, I have now become one of those "old" people I used to see as a youth and think, "what's up with them?!" because they would be laughing and carrying on in a place typically reserved for younger people.

Well...now I am one of those "old" people and I have come to realize that just like Forest Gump says, "stupid is as stupid does," I say, "old is as old does," and the truth of the matter is that I'm not "old" because I don't feel old, I don't think old...and I don't behave old as my two tweens can attest to!

I will be 39 this year and I remember once upon a time when I thought you were half in the coffin at that age. I used to think that at that age you would have a funky hair style and wear outdated, lame clothing, complain about aching body parts and start subscribing to AARP magazine and taking Geritol. Seriously!! I really, really believed that!!

Now that I have arrived here, I can attest to the fact that these beliefs were completely unfounded.  Yes - I can't do cartwheels anymore...but then again, they did always make me dizzy...and running up a hill will make me feel out of breath...but isn't that true of 99.3% of the population?  What I do know is that just like when I was in elementary school, I dream of grand adventures...and now that I have a job, I can actually make some of them come true!  Others will have to wait until the children are gone to college...and yes, I will be older still at that point, but my mind will be the same...or maybe even better...and if I'm careful of my body, I should be just fine.

So what fun did I have today? My hubby and I went on a double-date... We went to a place typically reserved for youngsters.  We played laser tag with a bunch of kids and laughed and screamed in glee (okay -I did!) and practiced sniping and covert ops right alongside them. Our friends had just as much fun - no one held back.  After three laser tag games, we played at the arcade...competitive streaks alive and well, more in some than others... Yes, John - I'm talking about you as I think your new name should be "Ruthless!"

The four of us laughed and talked and trash-talked some good smack...and it was no different than when we were kids.  So...in 50 years, when I'm 89...and your grandkids are playing a more advanced form of laser tag…tell them to watch out for the old grandma that can go medieval on them!  You see, a spirit never stops dreaming…of places to go and people to meet…and always remains hopeful until the end.

A dear, dear friend recently shared a song with me that so embodies my Spirit’s desire to dream that I will share it with you.  It is sung by Priscilla Ahn and it is one of the loveliest, most haunting little songs I’ve heard…and I love it.  Hope you will, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI&sns=em

Until tomorrow….   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 41 (Feb 10)

Today was a simple day in that today is the birthday of an incredible lady I had the honor and privilege of meeting through work.  She would have been 96 or 97 today I think...but she passed away two years ago.  I only knew her for two years...and yet during those two years, I learned a lot from her.  She was an incredibly wealthy matriarch with a long history within Texas.  I must admit that when I was on my way to meet her, I was just a bit intimidated...  A poor girl from south Texas going to meet someone who had donated A LOT to philanthropic causes…would I know how to speak the right way?  Was I dressed the right way?  Would I make a fool out of myself?

I'm very glad to say that none of my fears were realized as Ms. Vieve was a true gem in every way possible.  She was so very sweet and accommodating and genuine.  There was nothing pretentious about her or "mightier than thou."  She was a very simple lady...with a lot of wisdom and love...and a great desire to help people.  We became fast friends.  I would take her out of her assisted living residence and take her to eclectic restaurants and tea houses...places that she normally wouldn't visit...and she would say, "oh - how very interesting!" which would make me laugh.

Through her, I learned a lot about Texas history...and how her family developed and how, through the savvy insight of her father and his brothers, they were able to accumulate wealth.  I learned that despite having wealth, she was an incredibly hard worker and instilled those values in her children and that even if you had wealth behind you...you were not immune to tragedy as she had several events happen that I think would have crushed me emotionally.  Despite all that, she remained ever hopeful and giving...determined to better the lot of as many people as possible.  How I so very much admire her...and hope I can be just like her when I grow up.

So today, in her honor...I wrote letters to one of her sons and her daughter, both of which I had previously met, and I let them know how very much their Mom meant to me...and how I miss her still. 

I think before my quest, I would have remembered her birthday and closed my eyes and honored her and the memories I have of her for a few minutes.  But now that I’m trying to be more mindful, I’m glad I have written and mailed those letters…as an encouragement and so that they know that there is someone else out there who thought the world of their mom…because through her, I was able to see the world differently and I was able to learn about what is truly valuable…and it’s not money.

Merry Christmas, Ms. Vieve!  I know that you are spreading your wisdom and cheer in heaven…and meanwhile, I miss you down here…but I have my fond memories… Thank you!

Until tomorrow…   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 40 (Feb 9)

Today I attempted to pass on the gift of life through signing up to be a bone marrow donor.  I don't know why sharing my organs (should I not need them anymore!) and sharing my blood and/or marrow is so very important to me. It's not that I constantly think about it all...it's just that here and there...I realize what an incredible gift those things are.  I have known people that are so very lovely and wonderful...and have so much more to share in life...but through severe illness and the lack of provisions for them...they succumb to their illness.  I think to myself, "what a waste."  Why don't more people sign up to be donors?  Why?  It isn't as though you're going to need those things should you die...but you, in a final act of incredible mercy and selflessness, could save a life that has the potential of having a huge and positive impact in our world.

Well...I'm sad to say that I don't qualify to be a bone marrow transplant.  You see, when I was 26 years old, I had a stroke.  I have two genetic mutations, one of which is estrogen sensitive...and so after I gave birth to my daughter, a clot formed in my brain...that eventually ruptured...and landed me in the hospital.  I should have died.  But for a phone call from a friend about two minutes before the clot ruptured, I would have died as I was alone with my two babies who were taking a nap.  But I was incredibly blessed...and didn't die...and was left with no deficits...and so now I want to make this place better in my own, tiny way.

As I didn't qualify, can I encourage you to look into it?  The link to become a bone marrow donor is: http://marrow.org/.  If you haven't signed up to be an organ donor, here is the link to do so in Texas: https://www.donatelifetexas.org/TXDear_Secure/Default.aspx.  It takes so little time to sign up...and again - you could be making a huge, HUGE difference for someone...maybe even someone you love.

I couldn't complete my Christmas spirit act today...but if you can help me do so, MAN!!!  That would be the coolest!!!

With all my love to the selfless people who have become donors...and to those that will take a leap of faith and sign up and possibly become donors...may the Christmas spirit live on in you and through you!!

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 39 (Feb 8)

My Christmas for today was to love my husband in ways that I normally don't think of doing...thoughtful, selfless ways in which I'm not looking for anything back...not even a thank you.  I just want him to know that I love and value him…as half my soul and partner/companion in the journey of “life.”

I hope I'm not leaving you with the wrong impression. It's not that for every gesture, I expect something back. It's just that when you've been married for a while, you tend to do things, thoughtful little things that at the beginning were premeditated, but through the passing of time, have now become almost rote.  You’re nice…because it just kind of makes life nicer that way, you know?  It’s not that you want to be mean…you just kinda do things to keep the peace.

Well…today I was thoughtful and mindful of things that my husband would enjoy.  For example, we both really, really enjoy the TV series 24…and today, I had the chance to meet a real Jack Bauer…a real-life Jack who’s an ex-CIA operative that has written a book about his escapades.  Jack was a speaker at a luncheon I attended…so I bought his book and had him sign it for Pat.  Then, as it is close to Valentine’s Day, I bought him heart-shaped Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  As I left work and headed home, I called him and realized that he was rather stressed…so I offered to pick up our youngest from pre-school and then swing by the house to get the two older kiddos so I could take them out to dinner while Pat enjoyed some much needed alone time.  After dinner, when I got home with the kiddos, I proceeded with bedtime routines and got them all to bed and then that was that.

My actions were simple and not complicated in the least…so there really is no excuse for not doing things like that for him more often.  The children and I had a wonderful dinner in which we laughed (A LOT thanks to my witty 12 year old!) and acted silly.  It was no real skin off my teeth to get him his favorite candy or to see something that I know he would thoroughly enjoy and get it for him.  He was so grateful…it was neat to see him relax knowing that I had his back so he could just rest…and that I wasn’t going to gripe or hold my actions over his head so that now he “owed” me something.

I remember once upon a time when I would have expected something in return.  I believed in tit for tat with all my heart…but as I have grown, I have come to realize that that thought pattern truly diminishes the value of the gift or actions you are doing for the other person…because truly – if that is your thought process – you aren’t doing those things for the benefit of the other person…but rather for your own benefit…and where is the honor and love in that?  When I behaved that way, I wasn’t selflessly loving the other person…I was self-fully loving myself…  For a while, thinking like that may seem okay but sooner or later, the other party, or parties as the case may be, will catch on…and when they do – they’re probably not going to like you very much…and probably rightly so.

I’m glad I have learned that lesson.  I still have my selfish streaks here and there…but further and further apart.  I can't imagine my life without my spouse.  Sometimes I really don't like him (and I'm sure that goes both ways).  Sometimes I adore him and think my heart will burst with pride and love (I hope that goes both ways!).  And more often than not, I am thankfully contect that at the end of my day, no matter what kind of day I've had, I will get to come home to him and share what happened...and listen to him as he shares...and we will look at each other and smile...because life is good with each other...even when it's not.

Merry Christmas, Dahling!!  :)

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 - Day 38 (Feb 7)

My Christmas for today was the gift of honesty.  It is Monday and although a very good day, I was preoccupied with a very important meeting I was attending later in the day.    I find it really, really hard to lie and if I manage to – I feel SO convicted that I quickly confess and make amends.  I also don’t do well with not saying something that needs to be said…even if it is difficult…  This meeting was by far the most difficult I have ever been a part of because the person that I would speak with is someone I hold in very high esteem and have a great deal of respect for…but it didn’t change the fact that the air needed to be cleared.

The meeting was held, the information was shared out of love and it was well received…PRAISE GOD!!    I have not always been so lucky.  Sometimes you try to share your heart with someone and they react in the worst possible of ways…with anger, justification, malice and spite…and you are left there…wondering what you could have done differently or how else you could have said things…and then instead of making things better like you intended, the situation ends up heading south in a nasty way.  I guess it was that potential that had me worried all day. 

I feel like I should say something profound about this paradox…wanting to do something good but having it not be well received…but I’m at a loss.  What I can say is that situations like that used to bother me A LOT.  I would see something and with all the love in my heart, would say something...not out of malice or spite but rather out of genuine concern and a real desire to "fix" something...and then the recipient of my wisdom would erupt in fury...and I would think, "What the heck!  I'm just trying to be helpful!"  And yes - I might even react a bit self-righteously as in, "Hey, man...I'm not the one with a problem!"  But in hindsight now, I think I was the one with a problem.

You see, being honest, to me, is like a fine-edged sword.  Just because I see or understand something that needs to be said doesn't mean I should just go out and say it.  In other words, knowing that something is wrong doesn't give me the automatic right to try and correct it...even if I have love as my motive.

What I have learned is that there is something equally important in trying to bring wisdom and/or correction to someone...and that is understanding where the other person is at emotionally.  This is hugely important because if the person is not in a place where they can receive what it is that you are trying to share, then it doesn't matter what your underlying motive is as anger/fury/indignation and hurt may all be natural results of your attempt.

I think when we receive insight as to what a problem area may be, it is for us to reflect upon it and try to undertand it from all angles instead of quickly trying to "fix" it as clearly, that can be way more damaging than not having said anything at all.  It is so incredibly important to pray or meditate and yes - to put ourselves in that place if at all possible - and try to understand what it is the other person may be feeling or thinking...and only when we have carefully thought about it all - from all angles and all possibilities - should we then determine whether or not our "assistance" is even needed.  If we determine that yes, we had best say something, then it will be with the right motive...and the right words...that we will approach that person.

Don't get me wrong.  I know that sometimes there are situations that require immediate correction because there is genuine danger looming.  In those cases - I speak away...and the quicker the better!  But those are not the situations I'm generally referring to really.  I'm talking more about things that bother me (or us)...not life-threatening issues.

Another thing I believe in is the power of holding my tongue as sometimes, the most loving thing I can do is to not say something.  Why?  Because sometimes the natural consequences of something can be the most helpful of all in correcting something.  It may be difficult to sit by and watch but no one said tough love would be easy.  It may take time...it may be awful to watch...but in the end, when the consequences unfold...then I will have the opportunity to be there and help pick up the pieces and even perhaps help to bring healing to the situation.

However, if I decide to forge ahead and say something to someone...and the worst should happen...and it didn't matter how much love was behind my actions...then there is something else I'm careful of...and that is not talking about what has occurred to other people...or if I feel like I just need to say something, then I share with just one trusted confidant.  I really believe this...because if I talk about it to lots of different people, then I'm just adding salt to a wound for the one that wasn't able to handle the truth...and I also poison my listeners' perceptions of the situation or that person with my commentary. I find it so very hard not to want to talk to everyone who will listen because I feel that I need validation for how "right" I was in trying to speak truth...but out of honor, respect, integrity and loving-kindness to the one I hurt, I really need to undertstand that necessity of just keeping quiet.  Does that make sense?

I guess for me, where honesty is concerned, I really try to react with mercy, compassion and understanding...and I try to understant the best possible scenario in which to be honest should that be my chosen course of action.  But I think my greatest realization is learning to listen for the propmting of the Lord...and so far, He has not diappointed!

Until tomorrow...   Annie

Christmas 365 – Days 35 (Feb 4) – 37 (Feb 6)

So I never expected that I would have fallen so behind but several things have occurred that have just waylaid any attempts to write.  I will not be verbose (I think) so that I can get up to speed with what has been occurring.  I think I will also break it down by day so that it makes more sense.

Day 35
We woke up to a Lollipop Friday and it had SNOWED in San Antonio, Texas during the night!!!  Yeah – I guess I’m a typical south Texas gal as I was pretty darn excited about .5 inches of sandy-feeling white stuff!  It was (literally) the coolest!  It’s funny how on a normal school day, we have the hardest time waking up the children…but on this morning, like magic or something, they were awake and playing outside in 27-degree weather AT 6:17 A.M.!!!!  Very interesting…

After a half-day of work, Lilly spent the night with a friend and Pat and I took the boys out to dinner and the thoughtful/mindful thing I did was…I took the boys to HEB and let them pick out whatever dessert they wanted.  This is a pretty big deal in our home so the boys thought they were SOOO lucky!  Liam picked a bag of Hostess Powdered Doughnuts and Dylan picked out Chips Ahoy.  No – I didn’t let them eat all of them…but they did have some for breakfast!

Day 36
I woke up completely depressed…and this is highly unusual for me.  I have a friend that has become rather like a sister to me.  We are very close in age, we both have three children, we both woke up to the Lord at the same time/place…and we have shared a lifetime worth of experiences, laughter and heartache in a very condensed period of time.  So what’s the problem, you ask?  She and her husband have been transferred to Ohio and they leave February 12^th…and this would be their last attendance at church…and I was also in charge of planning their going away party to be held the next day in my home.  And I just couldn’t do anything.  I had to make a grocery list, plan the party’s food, email reminders to the guests, go to the store, clean up, etc, etc…and all I did was start a list…and go back to bed…and wept until I fell asleep.  I woke up…nibbled on some stuff…and was pretty much out of the picture…so no Christmas today.

Did go to church in the evening and all I could do was cling to my friend as we both cried…  I know – pathetic but true.  Maybe the Christmas was that I dared to be real and raw rather than try to be cool.  Who knows…

I did think a lot about depression and how awful it is…and how easy it is to fall into it.  Okay – maybe I wasn’t really depressed…just very, very sad.  I have a feeling I may experience this another time during the year as I still have a LONG way to go before this quest is over…and so I’ll save the topic of sadness/depression for another day.

Day 37
Game Day…literally.  No time to be sad as I would have 27 people in my home by 4:00 p.m.  I got up, finished my list and went shopping.  In my naïveté, I really believed that HEB would be empty at 12 noonish as I thought everyone would have already purchased their stuff and would be home cooking or getting ready.  Wrong!  HEB was positively packed!!!  No worries.  Got my shopping done, picked up the Papa Murphy’s pizzas and headed home.  Started preparing food, setting up appetizers, remembered to comb my hair and put on some lipstick.  People came, food was eaten, laughter was shared…and then it was over…time to clean up…except that it wasn’t really over…  I don’t believe in “good-byes” …only “see you laters.” 

My Christmas for today was making sure that my sweet friend and her family had a splendid time and felt all the love that our group has for them.  Mission accomplished!

Until tomorrow...or whenever I can write again!   Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 34 (Feb 3)

Today was a Christmas day for me.  First – it has been incredibly cold…and I have had to run around in this yuck for several work responsibilities…so today I thought I would treat myself to something.  I don’t know if you have been keeping track of my posts, but if you have, you know that on date with my husband, I saw two signs that I thought were positively perfect for my Christmas 365 quest  as one said “inspiration 365” and the other said “kindness 365.”  Well – I went back to World Market at lunch and I bought them both as they were still there and it just really made my day!

Then while at work, I found out that my in-laws were not going to be able to come for a visit this weekend due to the inclement weather we are expecting.   It genuinely made me sad…  Remember that revelation I had with my mother-in-law?  Well – I was very much looking forward to loving on her over the weekend…and now that wasn’t going to happen.  The way I found out that they weren’t coming was through a forwarded email my husband sent me where my dad-in-law explained the situation.  I then replied and copied my dad-in-law expressing my disappointment and praying for supernatural warmth to come their way.

My father-in-law replied saying thank you and that he has plenty of warm clothes left from the last freeze and then he made a funny reference.  I replied to him with another funny…and then I did something I was afraid to do.

Remember back to that mom-in-law post…if I didn’t feel close to my mom-in-law…then I also didn’t feel close to my dad-in-law.  He is not a “bad” or “mean” or “indifferent” man at all…he is actually a lovely, warm sort…it’s just that I find it hard to read him and at one point many years ago when Pat and I were going through a rough patch, I know that dad-in-law (rightly) took his son’s side…isn’t that what parents do?  But I found out about it…and it hurt my feelings because I felt he didn’t know the whole story…and although everything has long since been smoothed out…I still felt unsure about myself around him.  Please note here…it isn’t anything he did or said…it was all on me and the baggage I chose to carry.

Can I confess something here?  I know I’m not perfect and I know that I have my moments…but after all the junk I grew up with and experienced as a young adult…I just want to be loved and accepted (don’t we all, though?)  I don’t feel like I have to earn anyone’s love or anything…but it is important to me that my family (all of us – by blood or by God), respect and love one another…where we are at and who we happen to be at the moment…  When I feel that someone may be displeased with me – it bothers me in a profound, deep way because I very much want to there to be peace and joy.  I know I’m probably sounding like a big hippie…but I very much mean what I’m saying so please bear with me…

So this man takes his son’s side…and it hurts my feelings and it all (by my choice) leaves me feeling unsure even though everything has been fine for a while…but in my secret place…that uncertainty dwelt.  But guess what?  I don’t want it anymore!  I want that uncertainty gone!! I want my dear family to be as free from darkness as possible and I want there to be a genuine accord among us all.

So I bit the bullet…and at the age of 38 and a half…feeling very much like a five year old…I asked him if he would allow me to call him “Dad.”  I have never, never even thought about calling someone other than my biological dad “Dad.”  And remember, too, that my biological dad and I did not have a very good relationship at all…and then he died when I was 23 and I never got to repair the breach…and so the word “Dad” doesn’t always signify a good thing for me.  But at the moment that I asked the question over email…I wanted more than anything for this man to allow me to call him Dad…  Typing all of this has brought tears to my eyes…because…because…because I’m really laying my heart open here. 

I have healed from the wounds imposed on me emotionally from my biological dad…and the time to move on has come.  I really, really do like my dad-in-law…and I want to honor him just as I want to honor my mom-in-law.  So as I hit send…I was positively nervous that I would be rejected…that he would say it wasn’t appropriate or some such thing.  I was actually ready to be broken-hearted…to have all my negative thoughts become a reality…but it didn’t happen.  He graciously said I could call him whatever I wanted but he would be “pleased as punch” if I would call him “Dad” – and relief and joy swept through me.  Thank you, Lord…and thank you, Dad!  I am so excited at how things turned out!!

And isn’t that how we come to our Heavenly Father at times as well?  Oh, so fearful…and expecting to get thrown out and punished or expecting Him to validate all the bad, yucky, negative junk we hold on to? I know I did.  I have done many, many, many things I’m not proud of…things out of ignorance at times…but mostly out of rebellion.  But God, our Father, loves all of us unconditionally…and even if we don’t believe it, see it, feel it, He does…of that I have no doubt.  We can come to him…and ask if we can call Him “Abba…Daddy” and I believe with everything I am that He would be completely delighted in that request…that He would be “pleased as punch!”

1 John 3:1…see what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

We may not always understand God’s ways…and we may not always agree with things…but I don’t doubt that through His wisdom, grace, love and mercy…all things can be turned for the good of His children. 

I understand how undeserving I was of anything from Him…  I understand how dirty and vile I was and how far away I chose to be from Him for so long.  And yet when I was ready, He was there…and now I have been completely transformed by His love…and look forward to all my life, rejoicing in the fruits of the Spirit.  I have peace, contentment and joy now…  Thank you, Abba…  Thank you, Daddy…

Until tomorrow…    Annie

Christmas 365 – Day 33 (Feb 2)

Today, another friend of mine sent me a story over an email that so touched me.  It was about a man named “Daniel” who walked into a town square looking every bit a homeless person.  Although many people stared at him, no one really moved to say anything to him…except for one man who couldn’t shake his image and after running errands, tries to find him before going home.  The man does find him and invites him to a meal where they talk about the fact that Daniel isn’t homeless but rather on a mission whereby he’s been walking for 14 years working for food…and Bibles that he passes out.  You see Daniel had made some bad choices and reaped bad consequences but then he found the Lord and his life had been turned upside down…and now he simply walked from place to place, working for food and money for Bibles.  This story shattered the man’s perceptions about what he thought he knew…  Daniel didn’t want anything from anybody…he just wanted to obey God and live a simple life blessing others...and in living that simple life, he shattered stereotypes and blessed people in profound ways.

I don’t think I have the courage to live as Daniel does…or as Peter and James and the other apostles did.  It’s a good thing we’re not all called to do things like that.  What we are called to do is to love others as we love ourselves…and that is a challenge in and of itself as it is so counterintuitive. 

Today I led a tour of Haven for Hope, the premier, one-of-kind homeless campus in San Antonio where people are working on efforts that should lead them back to self-sufficiency.  All kinds of people live there…and since getting onto the campus, I tried really hard to smile and make eye-contact with every homeless person I saw.  That was my thoughtful/mindful effort of the day…and then because of the reactions I got on the campus, I carried out my effort everywhere I went. It was a very interesting experiment.

On campus, many people don’t look at you…even if you stand right in front of them…they don’t look at you.  I don’t know if it’s because they’re afraid, ashamed, or because their mind is somewhere else entirely.  Of the ones that do look at you, some just stare and don’t say anything…they just look without a reaction on their face.  My favorites, though, are the ones that light up and smile back and call out a greeting.  They radiate an inner peace and maybe even an inner joy.  I think those are the ones that realize they are more than their current circumstances.

So I left the campus, went to work, put gas in my car (in the frigid, arctic air!) and tried hard to look at people and smile.  The most interesting thing is that I got pretty much the same reaction out of “normal” people!  Most people didn’t look at me and of the ones that did, only a few smiled back and said hello. 

Let me share this interesting tidbit.  While I was putting gas in my car, a little gray car rolled out of the convenience store – backwards – onto oncoming traffic (!) until it rolled onto the sidewalk across the very busy street, hit a chain link fence and stopped.  I was a bit stunned to say the least and I wasn’t quite sure what to think.  I asked the man pumping gas next to me if he had witnessed what I just had and he said “yeah” in a shaky way.  I asked if he would go across the street with me to check out if someone was in the car and whether or not they were okay.  He said, “let me check with my wife,” who happened to be in his car.  I stood there for a couple of minutes as he talked to her before I realized that I couldn’t wait.  Time is of the essence if someone is having a medical emergency.  So I started walking away by myself and was attempting to navigate rush-hour traffic when a lady (without a coat) stood next to me and said, “that’s my car; I guess the parking brake wasn’t on right.”  Okay…  She crossed the street, got into her car and drove away. 

Wow!  Things like that don’t happen to me often…and it really made me think of the man who was talking to his wife.  Why didn’t he hurry?  Why didn’t he feel the same sense of urgency that I did?  What “problem” could there possibly have been that a potential human life didn’t take precedence?

Thank God it wasn’t a serious emergency…but the “what if” remains.

What happens to people that they get to a point where they can’t or won’t make eye contact with other human beings?  In the alternative, what happens to people that they stop caring about other humans?  How is it that “self” becomes paramount to everything and everyone else?  It seems that the majority of this world is way off from operating under the “love others as you love yourself” premise.  I bet if that gas-guy were having an emergency, he would hope and pray and want people to react quickly and with concern…and yet he didn’t display that for another.  See what I’m getting at?

So what is the solution?  How do we break the apathy in people?  How do we get people to care about others?

I don't have the answers to those questions but those questions remind me of the book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten" and maybe that is where the answer lies...kindergarten.  Maybe it is too late for the grownups to change...but if the grownups realize this and are willing to stand by the children and instill the golden rule to them...and reinforce it by word and example...maybe, just maybe, the next generation will begin to see the fruits that can be had by everyone (or most everyone) living a life that reflects the golden rule.  For those of you that don't remember, the golden rule is "do unto others as you would have done to you."  These are just my thoughts...but if you allow yourself to close your eyes...can you imagine what the world might look like then?  And if you can possibly imagine that...wouldn't you find yourself slightly motivated to make a move in making that vision a reality?

They say that societal change is possible when old cultural patterns are replaced by new ones...sooooo...such a vision IS possible...if only enough people would unify towards that effort.  I'm not talking about forming an army or anything!  Just people that care enough to impact their sphere of influence...and if enough people with the same vision impact their sphere of influence...then eventually...change can happen.

Am I talking about death of self?  No.  I'm talking about respect for the sanctity of life and the respect for the lives of others - not above your own - but with the same level of concern, respect and dignity that you would have for yourself.  Does that make sense?

The Lord says in Galatians 3:28, "there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female...FOR YOU ARE ALL ONE in Christ Jesus."

Then Lord says in Isaiah 55:10-11, "as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater...so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

The Lord's word will not return void but will achieve the purpose for which He sent it...

He says in Romans 12:9-13, "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

I say - let it be so, Lord...let it be so!

Until tomorrow...   Annie