Christmas 365 - Day 56 (Feb 25) to Day 60 (Mar 2)

I got back on track...and then I fell off again as I got some rather shocking news on Friday.   Last August, I had a simple cyst removed from an ovary that ended up being a benign tumor.  After getting the pathology report on my follow-up, I was very, very glad that the ordeal was over and I was healthy.  This remained the case until late in December when I began experiencing pain again in the same general area…  After several weeks, I went back to the doctor…and discovered that the “cyst” had returned.  The doctor and I decided that we would take a wait-and-see approach and have a follow up sonogram in six weeks.  That day was last Friday…and the sonogram showed that not only had the growth not gone away, but it had grown rather quickly in a short amount of time.   It has an irregular shape with two “bubbles” inside of it.  The doctor doesn’t feel it has the look of a malignancy but she is of the opinion that we should take out the entire ovary as this is a repeating problem.  Was just SO not expecting this.  I cried.  I called my husband.  I went home in a bit of a daze.

Let me explain a bit…

1.      I am an absolute freak about my health after having watched my Mom die of cancer.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a super-freak in that I exercise like a maniac and watch every molecule that I put into my mouth…but I do like to be aware of my health and take steps to assure it continues to be good.

2.      I have small children yet to raise and I’m not ready to have something potentially threaten that.

3.      I absolutely love life and being present in the moment.

Now I could get into an existential discussion right about now…but that is really not the point I would like to make with this post.  Instead, I want to discuss a statement from an incredible movie called “To Save A Life.”  It isn’t a well-known movie and yet the story is wonderful and towards the very end, one of the characters says, “Life is a journey…but it’s more than the destination…it’s about transformation.”  And when I heard that, it really made me think.

Our whole purpose in life, whether we get it or not, is to transform from selfish, self-centered creatures to people that are holy and giving…no matter what the circumstances being faced.  This can have many different facets…

God is so good!!  I stopped writing the above last night because I couldn't really verbalize what was in my mind...and Pat was watching some special ops show that was very distracting.  As I was going to bed, I felt the opportunity to feel great anxiety over the unknown mass growing in my tummy...but I told myself, no - I'm not going to think scary thoughts and instead, I want to focus on talking to God on how this all works...how illness and healing occur...and I didn't get very far because I felt a soothing calmness overtake me and I feel asleep...no nightmares, no scary thoughts...nothing but refreshing sleep.

This morning I woke up and prayed...and went about my business.  As I was waiting for the shower water to warm up, I picked up the book, "Attitudes of Gratitude," and opened it to a random page...that explained exactly what was in my heart that I couldn't verbalize.  SO - here is what M. J. Ryan wrote:

LOOK FOR THE HIDDEN BLESSINGS OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS
Quote by Wayne Muller: Some people once brought a blind man to Jesus and asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned - this man or his parents - that he was born blind?" They all wanted to know why this terrible curse had fallen on this man.  And Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the words of God might be manifest in him." He told them not to look for why suffering came but to listen for what the suffering could teach them.

      Gratitude is an all-out experience. It's cheating to be grateful only for the good things that happen and to shun the bad. This isn't to saw that we want bad things to happen to us, just that if we can be grateful for the soul-lessons inherent in the difficulties that befall us, then our souls will be able to grow and mature. Otherwise, we never progress, because we fail to use the hardships that dog us to become more loving, more patient, more present, more kind.
      The people whom I admire most in the world say without reservation that the hardest things they had to face - cancer, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, or job loss - had been their greatest teachers and that they were grateful for the lessons.  For me it has been dealing with chronic pain.
      When I was a senior in college I hurt my back. It was the first time my body betrayed me. Until then, I always considered it just a handy container to take my mind where I wanted it to go. But suddenly I couldn't move, and I had to pay attention to it. Eventually I spent over a year in bed.
      It's been twenty years since then, and my back continues to be one of my greatest teachers. I've learned a lot of patience (a hard lesson for me!) and impermanence (just because it hurts like hell today doesn't mean it will tomorrow). I've learned the value of physical discipline ("No time to do those boring back exercises?" my body says. "I'll show you!"). I've learned that I can't push myself beyond limits that I still don't recognize until after I've exceeded them.  That even doing everything "right" is no guarantee I'll be free from pain. I've learned to let go of my wanting it to be better, and I've learned how much I still exist even if I am able to do absolutely nothing. Now, in theory, I could have learned those things some other way, and perhaps I might have. But the truth of my life is that I have learned them through chronic pain - and I'm grateful for the lessons, if not for the pain.
      Right now, write down the ten hardest or most terrible things that ever happened to you.  As you look over the list, can you see the gifts that each of them brought?
      Metaphysical teacher Daniel T. Peralta suggests that when you are suffering from some difficulty whose blessing is invisible to you, you say the following prayer: "I am willing to see the gift in this experience. May the lessons be revealed to me and may I become stronger and clearer."


Life is a journey...but not about the destination...but rather the transformation.  For the remainder of last Friday, Saturday and Sunday - I felt odd...slightly depressed, slightly anxious...and not focused on the things that matter.  The thing in my tummy is going to grow or shrink regardless of what I'm thinking...or doing...so why not embrace the good around me.  If there is one thing that is certain in life it's that you never get any time back.  As my children ran around and laughed and played, as my husband thoughtfully tried to give me space and serve me as best he could...as the breeze blew outside and the sun came out to play...my focus was entirely elsewhere.  Why?  Because I have some bubble on my ovary?  Life is precious...and I believe that in focusing on the things that matter most - children, spouse, friends...relationships - then no matter what, there will be no regrets because you will know that you know you have truly lived life to the fullest. 

The lesson for me seems to be that the more I want to cling to life...the more I am reminded that it is but a short journey in the grand scheme of things...and at some appointed time, my spirit will exist in another realm.  In my heart - I want to learn and transform as much as possible in reflecting less of me and more of Jesus...because there is no one that has ever existed that was/is more beautiful, loving, merciful and compassionate than Him.  I think this bump on my ovary is a lovely reminder that things will happen to my physical body...but life truly marches on...and I for one don't want to miss the parade!

Until tomorrow (or sometime soon!)...    Annie