Today was a Christmas day for me. First – it has been incredibly cold…and I have had to run around in this yuck for several work responsibilities…so today I thought I would treat myself to something. I don’t know if you have been keeping track of my posts, but if you have, you know that on date with my husband, I saw two signs that I thought were positively perfect for my Christmas 365 quest as one said “inspiration 365” and the other said “kindness 365.” Well – I went back to World Market at lunch and I bought them both as they were still there and it just really made my day!
Then while at work, I found out that my in-laws were not going to be able to come for a visit this weekend due to the inclement weather we are expecting. It genuinely made me sad… Remember that revelation I had with my mother-in-law? Well – I was very much looking forward to loving on her over the weekend…and now that wasn’t going to happen. The way I found out that they weren’t coming was through a forwarded email my husband sent me where my dad-in-law explained the situation. I then replied and copied my dad-in-law expressing my disappointment and praying for supernatural warmth to come their way.
My father-in-law replied saying thank you and that he has plenty of warm clothes left from the last freeze and then he made a funny reference. I replied to him with another funny…and then I did something I was afraid to do.
Remember back to that mom-in-law post…if I didn’t feel close to my mom-in-law…then I also didn’t feel close to my dad-in-law. He is not a “bad” or “mean” or “indifferent” man at all…he is actually a lovely, warm sort…it’s just that I find it hard to read him and at one point many years ago when Pat and I were going through a rough patch, I know that dad-in-law (rightly) took his son’s side…isn’t that what parents do? But I found out about it…and it hurt my feelings because I felt he didn’t know the whole story…and although everything has long since been smoothed out…I still felt unsure about myself around him. Please note here…it isn’t anything he did or said…it was all on me and the baggage I chose to carry.
Can I confess something here? I know I’m not perfect and I know that I have my moments…but after all the junk I grew up with and experienced as a young adult…I just want to be loved and accepted (don’t we all, though?) I don’t feel like I have to earn anyone’s love or anything…but it is important to me that my family (all of us – by blood or by God), respect and love one another…where we are at and who we happen to be at the moment… When I feel that someone may be displeased with me – it bothers me in a profound, deep way because I very much want to there to be peace and joy. I know I’m probably sounding like a big hippie…but I very much mean what I’m saying so please bear with me…
So this man takes his son’s side…and it hurts my feelings and it all (by my choice) leaves me feeling unsure even though everything has been fine for a while…but in my secret place…that uncertainty dwelt. But guess what? I don’t want it anymore! I want that uncertainty gone!! I want my dear family to be as free from darkness as possible and I want there to be a genuine accord among us all.
So I bit the bullet…and at the age of 38 and a half…feeling very much like a five year old…I asked him if he would allow me to call him “Dad.” I have never, never even thought about calling someone other than my biological dad “Dad.” And remember, too, that my biological dad and I did not have a very good relationship at all…and then he died when I was 23 and I never got to repair the breach…and so the word “Dad” doesn’t always signify a good thing for me. But at the moment that I asked the question over email…I wanted more than anything for this man to allow me to call him Dad… Typing all of this has brought tears to my eyes…because…because…because I’m really laying my heart open here.
I have healed from the wounds imposed on me emotionally from my biological dad…and the time to move on has come. I really, really do like my dad-in-law…and I want to honor him just as I want to honor my mom-in-law. So as I hit send…I was positively nervous that I would be rejected…that he would say it wasn’t appropriate or some such thing. I was actually ready to be broken-hearted…to have all my negative thoughts become a reality…but it didn’t happen. He graciously said I could call him whatever I wanted but he would be “pleased as punch” if I would call him “Dad” – and relief and joy swept through me. Thank you, Lord…and thank you, Dad! I am so excited at how things turned out!!
And isn’t that how we come to our Heavenly Father at times as well? Oh, so fearful…and expecting to get thrown out and punished or expecting Him to validate all the bad, yucky, negative junk we hold on to? I know I did. I have done many, many, many things I’m not proud of…things out of ignorance at times…but mostly out of rebellion. But God, our Father, loves all of us unconditionally…and even if we don’t believe it, see it, feel it, He does…of that I have no doubt. We can come to him…and ask if we can call Him “Abba…Daddy” and I believe with everything I am that He would be completely delighted in that request…that He would be “pleased as punch!”
1 John 3:1…see what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
We may not always understand God’s ways…and we may not always agree with things…but I don’t doubt that through His wisdom, grace, love and mercy…all things can be turned for the good of His children.
I understand how undeserving I was of anything from Him… I understand how dirty and vile I was and how far away I chose to be from Him for so long. And yet when I was ready, He was there…and now I have been completely transformed by His love…and look forward to all my life, rejoicing in the fruits of the Spirit. I have peace, contentment and joy now… Thank you, Abba… Thank you, Daddy…
Until tomorrow… Annie
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