Another interesting day...and the more I think about it, the more it seems that everyday is an interesting day. I guess I never paid attention before!
Today started in a rather rough manner. That lovely 12 year old boy that I adored a few days ago really got on my nerves. It was really cold this morning and the boy walks down in his jeans and a short sleeve shirt. I ask him to get a jacket and he says he doesn't have one. WHAT??!! I bought that boy three hoodies and a friend of ours gave him two other ones and he doesn't have one?! So I make him put on a long sleeve shirt and because he is such a gangly, tall boy - the shirt sleeves are short on him...so I snap back that if he had a jacket, none of this would be a problem. I decide that although I was trying to get to work a bit early, I would take him to school as I don't want him waiting at the bus stop with only a T-shirt on. As we're walking out I notice he doesn't have his binder...so I tell him to get his binder. We make it to the car; we drive out of our neighborhood and I ask him if he grabbed his lunch money... I know you guys know the answer was "no." Ahhhhhh!!!! So make a pit stop at HEB to grab some cash as he let me know he would not be allowed to charge his lunch. Boy - I lost it for a bit as I got really exasperated! Anger flushed through me as I thought about how not-helpful this boy was and truly if his head wasn't screwed on right, he would lose that, too! How could he be so thoughtless?! How could he be so irresponsible?! As I drove against the rush hour flow looking at the hideous lines I would be a part of on my way to work in a few minutes, I tried hard not to lecture the boy and to calm down. It was really hard to do and as I pulled up to his school I admitted that I didn't like him very much right then but I adored him and wished he had a great day. Now that I'm typing that, it is the most ludicrous thing I think I could have said! Thank God that boy knows his Mom and how hard she tries...even when she flips a couple of switches!!
In reflection - why flip switches? I wish I could be that always calm person that processes information in a rational way...you know - "things are what they are and getting upset isn't really going to change the facts much so why get upset" type of person...but for some reason the Lord gave me a healthy dose of self-righteous anger that rears its head here and there. Spock I am not...not even close. However, anger truly is one of those dangerous emotions that causes more harm than good.
Why was I angry this morning? Because my son inconvenienced me...that's it. I was healthy and whole as was he. He is 12 years old and the behavior he displayed is typical of this age...and yet anger sprouted bright and hot. And what did that anger accomplish? A whole lot of nothing other than raised blood pressure and a ridiculous and probably unbelievable wish for my son to have a good day. My son probably thought I was a big fool, too, as he really couldn't understand why I was so upset... "It's my fault, Mom, so it's cool. I'll just be cold until I get to school." But no - that wasn't good enough for me. By golly I was going to protect him even if he didn't need/want it and then I was going to be self-righteously angry about it.
How many of you guys can relate to that type of behavior? Don't lie now! I think each one of you reading this can. And do you ever stop to consider the silliness of it all? Why do we get self-righteously angry? Because we are not validated; because we feel we give more than we get; because we feel we deserve certain things that aren't forthcoming... I'm sure there are other reasons out there. The bottom line, though, is that once again, if we are looking to God for validation, if we are looking to Jesus for direction...and we trust these sources...then we truly will be okay in all situations...without looking like fools and without causing damage to our relationships. Less and less of us...and more and more of Jesus.
I know it is hard to do... Clearly I fall victim to this as this is the second post I write about anger. The first was about my coworker on Friday. For those of you that are wondering, I didn't get to talk with her today as there was never a moment where she was alone that I could approach her between my tasks. I did make contact with her. I sent her an email asking for her forgiveness and thought I would wait until after work to speak with her...but even then she wasn't alone and I had to leave to get my youngest. So I hand wrote her a note 1. reiterating my wrong reaction and asking for her forgiveness...then I added 2. that I missed her and laughing together and having her call me "Anderson." 3. That it didn't matter what we said to each other in the past or how we had hurt each other so long as we could discuss the issue at hand and try to repair the breach. I explained that I had to leave but would really appreciate if she could call or email me. I handed her the note because I felt that if I just left it on her desk, she might say she never got it...but now I know she did. As I handed it to her I mentioned that I was sad that she was never alone today...and she said, yeah - she was really busy. I asked if she would call me after reading the note...she said she would...but she didn't...
I've done all I can and now it is up to her. Once upon a time I was a big control freak...I would have continued to pursue her and tried to force a reconciliation or in the alternative, I would have continued to feel more and more justified in my anger - how dare she rebuke my attempts to make things better!! I understand the nature of that illusion now, the illusion of control, and how damaging that, too, can be...and I now know when to let it go into the other person's domain. We don't need control as "control" doesn't really exist. What we need is faith...being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
There was no Christmas "gift" today so to speak other than the continued revelation that anger is not good...that it is in fact a sin. For those of you that may not know "sin" actaully means to miss the mark...and no one can deny that when anger rears its ugly head, the chances are pretty high that we will miss the mark. I don't have the answer as to how to stop feeling angry other than to continue to seek the Lord in all things and to remember to take deep breaths.
If any of you have any wisdom concerning this...please, please share! I do have a plan for tomorrow for Christmas...but I wonder if it will work out the way I'm hoping it will. Hmmm...
Until tomorrow... Annie
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