Yesterday, Day 7, once again was not what I was expecting...and not in a good way. All day long, I had been full of positive energy, happy that it was Friday, Lollipop Friday, as my little one calls them. I was anticipating going home and having a joyous, relaxed good time with my family. Fridays are the days we eat out and stay up late and enjoy each other's company. I think we all have our reasons for loving Fridays.
The plan was that I would go in to work early so I could leave a little early and get my youngest from pre-school on time. I would then go home, get the older children from home and meet my husband, who was getting out of work late, at a restaurant. Good plan.
As I was getting the boys settled in the car - and I really don't know what made me do it - I looked at my work cell phone which had new emails...and I checked them...BIG mistake! The first one I read was from a co-worker who was basically scolding me for having made, what she deemed, an error. The second email was from her also - and was even more condescending than the first.
You may wonder how I know this as it is difficult to discern "tone" from the written word. Well - I know because I have history with this girl and it has been getting progressively nastier and nastier. From one instance where she took offense for something that I was trying to be helpful with, she has tried to find ways to correct me...even for things I'm not even involved with. I try to be pleasant and it doesn't work. I try to stay out of her way and somehow I find myself having to interact with her because of things she does. She zings me, I ignore it. She zings me again and again, and I ignore it. She makes mistakes - big ones - and no one calls her out; instead, we cover her with grace. I've thought about explaining the details but it really doesn't matter for this purpose. The thing that matters is that I know the intent of the messages she sent...and the missles found their mark.
I became livid at the prolonged audacity of this girl. I shot out a response not only to her, but I copied my boss requesting we have a meeting on Monday to clear the air before things continue to spiral downward. I then called my boss to explain what was up and why I felt we needed a meeting. This all happened in less than five minutes and it colored the rest of my evening in a very nasty, negative way.
Where was the Christmas spirit? All gone.
I obsessed over my decision to fight back. I talked about it, felt guilty about it, tried to justify myself in it. I prayed and heard nothing. I wondered what I would say Monday morning. I thought about the nasty atmosphere that would permeate my work environment as I fought fire with fire. I became so wrapped up in the dilemma that I began to be depressed as I realized how far from the heart of God I had become in the matter of minutes... I went to bed in such a funk and this morning (Day 8), I woke up not feeling much better. I promised I wouldn't look at my work phone in case she had sent a reply email...and I tried to get back to my Christmas quest...but it was hard to get back into the spirit of it all.
All day I sought the Lord for direction on what I should do...but heard nothing. All day I tried to ignore the situation and though I pretended rather well, it was always in the back of my mind. Have you guys encountered situations like that? It's simply terrible! Then I went to church and the Lord finally spoke to me through the message given by my pastor. You see - it is all very simple.
As a Christian, my number one goal in this life is to reflect more and more of Jesus and less and less of me. Although I am much better doing that than when I first believed, I still have a long way to go. When I got zinged this last time, I allowed myself to react in anger instead of with the unoffendable heart of Jesus. Jesus did not allow Himself to feel offended because He had complete trust that the Lord is a righteous judge who sees all and would set things to right in His time. Jesus felt righteous anger but not for the lost - only for the hypocrites, the Pharisees that pretended to know God's heart but had no clue. When Jesus dealt with the lost, He was compassionate and patient because they truly did not know better...lost people act like they act because they are lost. As it says in Romans 6 - the lost are slaves to sin...but we who believe are to be slaves to God. The Bible also says that we ARE new creations, that we ARE the righteousness of Christ...that we are no longer tied to our sin nature if we take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ. Do you see?
There isn't anything that anyone can say to me that should offend me. I should take what they say and weigh it against the word of God. Even if the tone is harsh, even if the message is hurtful we should ask ourselves if there is truth to their accusation. Does it contain a valid thought? If so, how can we improve ourselves and/or the situation? If there is no merit, then we know how to better pray for that person or situation. We often feel hurt by other people because we buy into feelings of inadequacy of some sort. However, as believers, the word of God takes precedence over all other commentary...and He says we are His beloved children, co-heirs to the throne with Christ. Do we believe that? If we really believe those things, then there isn't anything anyone can say that would truly disturb us in a personal, hurtful way. I know I'm speaking about ideals as clearly I fell victim...but if we can grasp these concepts and we try applying them situation by situation, I do believe that eventually we will arrive at the unoffendable heart of Jesus Christ.
So what does all this mean for my dilemma? It means that on Monday morning when I meet with my boss and this coworker, that I will humbly ask for their forgiveness. My boss - for disturbing him with such a petty thing. My coworker - for having reacted out of anger to her emails. They both profess to believe but I don't know where they are in their walk. Perhaps I will shock them, perhaps I'll make one of them proud...I'm not sure and it doesn't really matter. The point is that I have a higher accountability partner who is looking at me from Heaven hoping I will be a good representative of His heart here on Earth. Does it mean I'm a doormat? No - I think there are strategic ways to fight a battle that are more fruitful than others...and this battle isn't worth fighting as no good fruit can come of it. Demanding an apology from my coworker or having my boss reprimand her will serve to continue a hostile atmosphere that will be pleasant for no one involved. She potentially will become more embittered and ambivalent towards me...and I would lose an opportunity to demonstrate grace. This is a cross worth bearing...plus I don't underestimate the power of prayer! The world would say - fight back! Don't let her treat you like that especially as she is an underling! But God doesn't work that way...He looks for us to bear good fruit.
This intentional act of Christmas will not be realized until Monday...but the Christmas spirit has fully blossomed over this 24-hour period. Here are the intentional acts that have arisen: 1 - I give myself the gift of forgiveness. 2 - I offer the gift of grace to my coworker. 3 - I offer the gift of honor to God.
Do you know what happened when all of these thoughts came crashing in and I realized what must be done? I found joy again. My burden was lifted because you see, when I chose to behave in a righteous manner - not self righteous - just righteous, I have allowed God to work in my life, in their lives and His plan and design is so much grander than anything I can conceive. I have given my burden to Him because I trust Him - that He can turn hearts to good, that he can make bad situations into good ones, that he is a rightous judge. I don't have to worry about her and making her better or different...I just have to worry about myself and whether I'm walking what I profess to believe. The burden that Jesus gives us truly is light...love God with all you are and love others as you love yourself. For this situation - done!
Merry Christmas, Lord! Please know that this child is truly trying!!
Until tomorrow... Annie
You make me proud :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda
So..what happened?