I have a book that I keep close because it has a way of making me see things from a different perspective, which is sometimes a very good thing. Today I read a section that so touched me that I would like to share it with you.
It deals with our parents…
I know many of you know my history and for those of you that don’t – let’s just say I had a very difficult childhood – so much so that I often fantasized of being adopted, of running away, of finding someone who would whisk me away to live happily ever after. My home was dysfunctional and filled with abuse and I couldn’t wait to leave and never come back.
Although I adored my mother, I despised my father and I didn’t ever want anything to do with him and the thought that half of me came from him was at times unbearable. But that was then – and this is now. Most of you know that both my parents died when I was in my early 20s and I have since healed from the hurts of my childhood. In fact – I sometimes wish I could see both my parents – yes, even my dad – so I could relate to them as an adult and have a heart-to-heart with them about life, children…and mental illness…to say that although I don’t condone their actions, I understand and I forgive…and can we please move forward and enjoy the rest of the time we have together…but of course, that is a pipe dream…at least in this life.
But for some of you, there is still time…and for you, I share the following…because it offers a different perspective and a healthy dose of hope…and at the very least, the validation that if you are caught in a family web of yuck – it can end with you. This lady’s thoughts really resonated with me because I completely understand some of what she says…and appreciate the insight she shares at the end.
(from: Attitudes of Gratitude by M. J. Ryan)
HONOR YOUR ANCESTORS
There is no house like the house of belonging. – David Whyte
When I was in college, I used to fantasize that I sprang into life fully formed as a young woman, like Aphrodite from the sea foam. It was my way of not only repudiating patterns from my parents that I didn’t want to replicate, but convincing myself that, in fact, I was incapable of repeating them. It took me decades to acknowledge that while I am indeed my own unique self, I am also the child of my parents, and that indeed I am, for good or bad, more like them than I ever imagined.
It’s a paradox. Here we are, a singular, irreplaceable soul here for its own purpose and, at the same time, the somewhat inevitable result of our parents and their physical and emotional legacy. We’re the miraculous result of a once-in-a-lifetime meeting of a sperm and an egg, the inheritor of a particular blend of two strands of DNA and a unique personality not only from that DNA, but from all the experiences and training we had from our parents as children, as well as our particular, idiosyncratic reaction to those experiences. And our parents are in the same boat. They are the inheritors, both genetically and circumstantially, from their parents, and their parents from theirs, back through time. Thus, in a very real sense, we are the product og all those who came before us.
Because so many of us came from painful or difficult childhood circumstances, it is easy to either deny our connection to those who preceded us or else to blame those circumstances and our relatives for all that goes on in our lives. In either case we get stuck – first, by repeating the past because we fail to acknowledge it; second, by repeating the past because we fail to grow beyond it.
But when we take the time to really give thanks to our ancestors, we place them in their proper context, granting them neither more nor less than their due. We are able to use the lessons they have taught us (even if by negative example) and move beyond their legacy to claim our rightful place in the world. We recognize our deep connection and inhabit fully the “house of belonging.”
Dawna Markova has a wonderful practice to make this real for you. “Look in the palm of your hand. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that if you look deeply enough, you’ll never be lonely. Each cell of your hand is made from the genetic material passed on to you from your mother and father. Whether you adored or despised them, there they are in the pal, of your hand. If you look a little deeper, you’ll also see your grandfathers and grandmothers. Deeper still, and there are all your ancestors resting snugly in your DNA. Can you hear them whispering in your ear, ‘Maybe this is the one who will carry our dreams into the world, maybe this is the one who will move beyond the limitations that have held us back and carry our dreams into the world.’
Honoring our connection to those who came before us gives us a sense of belonging and wholeness.
Until tomorrow…
Annie
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